I Miss My Sister

I miss her everyday...but then theres times like right now that it hits me sooooo damn hard, I almost cant handle it.

In a perfect world, she would be HERE with me , planning Blakes 18th Bday (she ADORED her Nephew!)...but instead-I spend time polishing her Headstone. Its sooo fuckin WRONG.

Murder changes EVERYTHING.........

Sorry I havent updated....

I've been too busy doing f*ckin PUSHUPS!!!! LOL

"Negative Nancy" has Left the Building!!

Thats it--I'm DONE with being such a "Negative Nancy" all the time!

Not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime over the last..,oh...9 or 10 months..it did. I have become the type of person I cant stand. Negative, whiney, jealous,withdrawn, mean and bitter...& never even really realized it. WTF?! (Well...I KINDA realized it.....But didnt realize how MUCH I did it until last night.)

So...in my efforts to become a BETTER ME.....I am changing my attitude and outlook!

No more moaning, complaining or bitching when my body hurts,Im hungry, Im tired, blah blah blah....
Becuz...the bottom line is-no matter how tired, achy, etc I am--theres someone out there somewhere who would LOVE to be in my position & be surrounded with the BLESSINGS I have been given in my life!

I AM TRULY BLESSED!

MY Blessings are what I need to focus on and not anything else right now.

So...when I woke up today, I DECIDED that I could (and WOULD) ONLY BE: THANKFUL & GRATEFUL!!!

I also started a new "Challenge" with myself: Every single time I complain or say something negative, I hafta do 5 pushups.
Every single time a negative or hateful thought pops into my head...instead of giving any energy to it--I will focus on a POSITIVE "gift" in my life.

It's only been the 1st day-but I'm feeling a lil bit better and a tiny bit happier already, and I am going to bed-Giving THANKS for My LIFE, my health,my family, my friends & ALL of WONDERFUL things I have been given.

For Those of You Who Bake.....

I need help--I had this "great idea" (Have you ever noticed when something starts out as "I have a great idea"...its usually NOT a great idea! hehe)

I thought: Since I love Pumpkin Protein PANCAKES so much...they would probably make great Pumpkin Protein MUFFINS. Well...Not so much! What do I need to add to the recipe to make them more MUFFIN-Y? (I can cook..but when it comes to Baking---ughhhh....definately not my strong point.)

They actually tasted good-but I lost about 1/2 of each "muffin" becuz they stuck to the paper liners.(Guess I will hafta use Pam instead of paper next time) And...they were kinda "heavy".

I dont wanna change the recipe too much-my main goal was/is to just make the process a lil faster. (Im always so pressed for time!) Do you think a "cake" would work...or would it still be too "heavy"?

"Ummm...Thanks, but can you now SHUT-'da-HELL UP?!"

And that's puttin' it NICELY!!

I just dont get it-"THOSE PEOPLE" who feel like they ALWAYS need to say sh*t....even if it's something they know nothing about. Prime example:

Today Im MINDIN MAH OWN BUSINESS at the gym....doin my BFL UBWO, and this (really annoying b*tch) Girl just HASTA talk to me. (I guess she doesnt realize that I 'm wearin my headphones for a REASON--so dummies like her dont talk to me)

Her: Ohhhhh...your BAAAACK to doin Body For Life I see. I thought you had a TRAINERRRRR? (She kinda made this irky lil voice when she said trainerrrrrr)

Me: I did, But things changed & Im back to doin BFL now.

(Small talk went on: Blah blah blahhhhhh....)

She kept askin WHY this & WHY that (nosey lil b*tch) ...and finally I just told her:

The diet plan wasnt working for me. I tried & tried & TRIED to follow it , but the whole low carb/NO carb thing & never eating healthy complex carbs kicked my ass. I ended up gettin pretty messed up from it...

Her: Why didnt you just "Stick it out" & TELL YOUR TRAINERRRRRR?! Ya know, trainers change things like that IF YOU TELL THEM, but c'mon...theyre not mind-readers!

Thats when I LOST IT!! I ended up "pretty much" goin off on her--until I almost made her cry. (I felt KINDA bad-but damn!) Who is this b*tch to tell me that all I had to do was TELL MY TRAINER and STick it out?!?! Shit I DID tell my trainer. I confessed time & time again that I was having SERIOUS issues with my diet. I BEGGED my trainer for 4+ MONTHS to just add a YAM or some fruit, or brown rice back in to my diet & I KNEW the bingeing would stop. I told my trainer about feeling crappy.... I told my Trainer about the headaches, bitchyness, lack of sleep, lack of energy, I told & I told & I told. But, It didnt happen-- I never got that "Approval". I just kept hearing "Bingeing is NOT about food-its about the mind."

I do agree that bingeing IS about the mind...but FOR ME (who has had bingeing issues in the past) when I cut my calories too low or cut out healthy carbs for very long, It leads to a crazy-uncontrollable-almost-unconcious-type of bingeing. (as oppossed to the "Thought-out" binges I did in the past) (I knew that-but I TRIED & TRIED to "stick it out", becuz I had so much faith and respect for my Trainer.)

I guess I just got so pissed off becuz I felt like she was talking down to me, putting me down-like I was stupid for deciding to not stay w/my Trainer. She doesnt know how hard I tried to stick it out. She wasnt there for me when I was crying all the time, & super-crazy-emotional. She didnt deal with the headaches, the moodiness, the anger & frustration or the feelings of inadaquacy that came over me becuz I couldnt "stick it out". She wasnt the one that HATED lookin in the mirror and was disgusted by what I saw. Hell...she wasnt even there when I was gettin numerous blood tests done at the Dr.s Office becuz I was feeling SOOO sick all the time! Unfortunately my 2 BFF's and Chris did see all of that...(And belive it or not-they STILL love me!)

So what the hell was my point of this post anyways?? Lets see:
#1--I needed to VENT!
#2--Sometimes things just dont work out. That doesnt mean that ONE person was at fault...it just means IT DIDNT WORK OUT. Period.
#3--I don't binge when I eat healthy BALANCED meals
#4--I love love love having yams, fruit, brown rice & other BFL approved foods back in my life
#5--Dont be so fast to judge someones decisions. You dont know what theyve been thru or how they got to the point their at.
#7--Just becuz something works for "A, B, & C" it doesnt mean itll work for "D" too! Theres lots of plans, programs & trainers becuz different things work for different people AT DIFFERENT TIMES!
#6--the old "bitch-dana" is on her way baaaack!! (Ive kinda missed her!)

Happy Happy Joy Joy.....

I can't believe it-but today I actually woke up HAPPY & NOT feeling completely exhausted! Dayummm..I'd almost forgetten how great it feels.

Honestly...I think the fact of finalizing my "Big Decision" yesterday has alot to do with it. I feel like such a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and now I can have some closure & look and move forward.

I cant say THANK YOU enough for all the wonderful comments --I had no idea that I had more than 3 readers--so the comments were a really nice surprise! I love y'all!! And an extra special Thanks to my Girls(yall know who you are!) who have been puttin up with me and all this shit for the last 6 months-Im not sure HOW yall did it-but I really love you for stickin it out with me!!

Even though the weather completely SUX --I had a really nice day today. Started off w/ Chris surprising me this morning with a set of "PERFECT PUSHUPS"! Ya know..the ones they sell on TV that look like grips/handles and they rotate as you do pushups? I have been wanting them forever! :) Dang-they are HARD though-I could only do TWO full pushups with them. WTF?! (I can easily do 15 reg full pushups on the floor) Theyre super cool!

Then...we took a spur-of-the-moment trip to the Jelly Belly Factory. I havent been there since Blake was in 1st grade & we had a field trip there...but its a fun place to check out. Plus....its TOM so I was really wantin some candy! We went on the lil tour they had, bought some(LOTS!) jelly bellys (for MY jelly-belly! hehehe) & a few pieces of homemade Chocolate candy. MMMMMMM-mmmmmmm!!
The candy was pretty good-but the best part of it?? Was that I was able to go and NOT, I repeat NOTTTTTT feel guilty! YEAH ME!(Don't worry-Im definately NOT making candy & crap like that a regular part of my food plan.)

Wrapped up the evening on a "double-date" (Me N chris & Blake N Hayley (his adorable girlfriend) at our favorite lil hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaraunt. They serve authentic Mexico-style food...NOT fried...all homemade & pretty healthy. I had a really good time--its still kinda weird goin on a double-date w/ my son & his GF though, but I'm adjusting to it & truly enjoy spending time all together.

Thanks again for all the support!!
I love yall!!

So...I finally did it....

I ended it with my Trainer.

Today would have been our one year "Anniversary" of working together, but instead its over. Feels kinda wierd--almost like a "Break-up" ya know?

Its gunna be strange-especially after a whole year together (thats even longer than Ive been with my BF!)

But..like any type of relationship--things change. The 1st six months were the "Honeymoon " Period--ya know when EVERYTHING is so hunky-doory & Perfect?? Its all new, exciting & great. Then...then like so many relationships do....things start to change. The newness wears off. The calls arent returned as fast as they were in the beginning...ya know-all the lil' things that change as the newness fades. Plus some of the excitement was gone when I reached my 1st Goal (The cruise)..and I never really got the fire back.

Even though my life COMPLETELY changed after those first 6 months (I started working full time, Blakes school schedule changed, and I met Chris) I tried my best to keep up with the 2 & 3-a day workouts and eating 100% clean but DAYUMMMMMM. ALL it really created for me was guilt.
Guilt when I didnt have 4-5 HOURS a day to myself anymore to workout.
Guilt when I would hafta cut a workout short becuz I was gunna be late to work.
Guilt that I was using time for the gym when I could be spending it w/My son & my dogs.
Guilt that I was wasting my Trainers time by not following the Program 100%.
Guilt about food.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Honestly....I feel like I TRIED. And He tried. But sometimes, Like I said -things change.
My life has changed--
My goals have changed--
and to be perfectly honest--I DONT want to spend the rest of my life Eating ONLY oatmeal, asparagus, broccoli & green beans as my sources of carbs.
(No matter how great it might make me look-FOR ME...its not realistic to live ALL YEAR long like that.)

Im gunna miss him...and Ill be forever grateful for EVERYTHING I've learned over the past year.....