SHHHHHH!!! Be Vewwy Vewwy Quiet....

We're hunting Turkeys!!!!

Turkey season opened on Saturday...and me & Pops were in full Redneck-Mode!

Seriously....You Might Be a Redneck if you can sit INSIDE yer house & call Turkeys up to the front door, then fire off an arrow or 2 right at 'um!! Bwahahahaha. Actually the funniest part was that Pops just knocked a bunch of feathers off its butt-and I was chasin' fuckin turkeys ALL OVER the damn hills all afternoon.

Yep-me in my pink n blue flannel penguin pj's, a hoody, my John Deere baseball cap--hobbling up & down the hills with my bum knee-it was HILARIOUS!! We finally gave up, and wouldnt ya know it, as soon as we did-they came back into the yard FOUR more times that day, and we STILL havent got one. WTF?! Bwahahahaha!!

Oh well, it was super-fun spending time w/Pops, being goofy and workin on mah Turkey-callin' skillz. (Im pretty damn good too!) And Hopefully within the next few days Ill be chompin on a delicious turkey drumstick.....

Me N Mah GIRLZ!!!

This definately makes me smile!! I love you both-and never woulda got through the last coupla years without yall.

Enough of the damn Pity Party.....

Yesterdays post-wow-WTF was that all about? Honestly...I write what I FEEL and thats exactly what I was feeling yesterday (and have been for a while).

Nothin' more, nothin' less.

I know there are a few things on that list that I have no control over, but there are also ALOT of things that I DO have the POWER TO CHANGE--first & foremost: MY ATTITUDE & HOW I CHOOSE TO DEAL WITH THESE "Bumps in the road".

I'm Tired.....

*Tired of feeling run down all the time.
*Tired of going to Dr. appt's
*Tired of waiting to hear WHAT the Doc's are gunna do next
*Tired of not sleeping
*Tired of BEING TIRED
*Tired of working
*Tired of fighting my depression & trying to SMILE through it all
*Tired of all the bullshit behind the Tony/Beka stuff (You know I love you Beka-Girl!)
*Tired of beating myself up over the fucked up choices Ive made in the past
*Tired of spending too much time away from my dogs
*Tired of trying to balance 2 seperate households
*Tired of not traveling
*Tired of the physical pain of my back, knee & endiometriosis
*Tired of liars, cheats & criminals
*Tired of cold weather
*Tired of not having any "Me-Time"
*Tired of people who adopt animals that they are not ready for/are not compatible with(then they blame the animal for bad behavior)
*Tired of being so bitchy/mean & angry

I just wish I could figure WHAT is wrong with me-is it physcial? Mental? A bad combo of both? If I knew what I was dealing with-then I could start working on a "plan" to make it better.

Oh well.....until I do-I really have no choice but to SUCK IT UP, paint a smile on my face & kick-ass-NO MATTER WHAT.
Well I guess I do have another choice-I could sit back, wallow in the bullshit of it all and watch it get worse and worse...but THATS NOT AN OPTION!!

I just wanna feel good again...........

Happy Easter!!

My New "THEME SONG"

Did any of yall ever watch "Ally Macbeal"? She always had a "theme song" that would EMPOWER HER when she heard it or thought about it, and even though the show is loooong-gone, I think about that.

Heres my New THEME SONG:

STRONGER WOMAN by Jewel

(Its actually written about leaving a loser boyfriend--I'm not relating to it in that way at this point in my life (so I left out the 1st few lines) but the REST of the song is PERFECT!!


I’m gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can’t see
The stronger woman in me

I’m gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won’t lose myself again
never, no
Cause theres a stronger woman
a stronger woman in me

light bulbs buzz I get up
and head to my drawer
wish there was more
I could say
another fairy tale fades to grey
I’ve lived on hope
Just like a child
walking that mile
faking that smile
all the while
wishing my heart had wings

well tonight I am gonna be
The kind of woman I want my daughter to be

I’m gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can’t see
There’s a stronger woman in me
Won’t lose myself again
never, no
Cause there’s a stronger woman, a stronger woman

this is me packing up my bags
this is me headed for the door
this is me the best you ever had

I’m gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can’t see
There’s a stonger woman in me
I’m gonna be my own best friend
stick with me till the end
Won’t lose myself again
never, no
Cause there’s a stronger woman, stronger woman
Theres a stronger woman in me
Yeah

It makes me sick

What the hell is up with so many girls on tracker putting themselves down and talking shit about their own bodies?? Do they even REALIZE the fucked up and NEGATIVE thoughts they are puttin not only in their OWN minds...but maybe of other women who look up to them?? I dont get it.



When you are IN SHAPE and FIT--alot of women (especially those who are either new to the site or are tryin to get fit) will look up to you. Thats a given...it comes with the territory. Then..when you post pic after pic after pic lookin strong, lean & fit but say "Wahhhh Im soooo fat! Wahhhh my ass is fat and ugly....Wahhhh my belly is soo fat" "Wahhhhh I look like a COW!" etc, do you even stop and think about how someone who is-ohhh I dunno--severely overweight or someone who LOOKS UP TO YOU may take those comments? Even MORE IMPORTANT--Do you ever stop to think how YOUR OWN MIND & BODY takes those comments?!

I know I've had the thought :"Well damn-if "so & so" thinks She's fat & ugly...what in the fuck does she think when she looks at my 210+lb body." (Luckily Im now to the point that I dont really care/give a fuck what they would say or think--but its taken a long time to get to that point)

I know Im always talkin about "Dont care what other people think", but some of these women ARE "Role models" for others on the site....and self-bashing is NOT an attractive quality in anybody--no matter how lean, cut, hot or beautiful the outside may be.



I bring it up not only becuz it makes me fuckin sick...but becuz I know Im not the only one that feels this way. Ive had a few girls on tracker PM me about this, and they are already so PARANOID to post their before pics and then they read comments from their "idols" and it affects them & intimidates them even more. Most of the PM's included something along the lines of "I just wish my "AFTER" pics could look as good as "so & So's" BEFORE pix!


Ok...just about every woman I know deals with SOME(ALOT) sort of body-image/self esteem issue about their bodies. Thats "normal". But what doesn't seem normal is to keep publicly "broadcasting" how unhappy or insecure you are about it but then posting numerous pics in bikinis, lingerie or whatever. Its just CONFUSING as all hell. Is it a cry for attention? A desperate way to get "validation"? Is it a temporary "rush" to have everyone ELSE tell you " Oh NOOOO Girl...you look HOT!" Hell..I wish I knew, but I don't.

What I do know is that ALL OF US women need to LOVE OURSELVES...BE OUR OWN BEST FRIENDS....PRACTICE POSITIVE SELF TALK and stop all the fuckin "bashing". EMBRACE YOUR BODY (and whatever "flaws" you might see in it...LOVE IT...TREAT IT and YOURSELF with respect, and act like the STRONG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN that you are!!!!

It's All About ME, Biiiiitches

Thats right...it IS ALL ABOUT ME!!!

Not only is that what Im calling my new Challenge--it's the way I need to get back to thinking and living. Don't get me wrong--I will definately still care about, keep in touch with and LOVE my girlz, my friends, family & everyone else close to me.....but I need to get my focus back and act like the bad-ass bitch I know I really am, so here it is. And here I am.

Like it, hate it....whatever....I really don't care anymore.

I'm so fuckin tired of WORRYING about what other people think of me..its so self sabotaging, and frankly--its what got me to the point I am now, all fucked up about food & shit & Always trying to find "acceptance" or VALIDATION from others. It's time to say Fuck the people that want to judge me/talk shit becuz I've gained weight back. Fuck watching what I post about becuz it might offend or piss someone off. Fuck taking & posting pics every day/week etc to hear OTHER people tell me I'm doing good. Sure its nice to get positive feedback, but c'mon constantly drawing attention to oneself..to me, thats an act of low self esteem, wanting attention, and trying to get others to tell you how great you are. I'm woman enough to admit I've done it & damn--its ugly. From now on, Im going back to my old ways of finding validation: I will look in the mirror and get all the reassurance I need. As long as I'm eating clean, working out hard & being true to me...who cares what the fuck someone else thinks. It's time to listen to myself, my body and my heart. I've overcame so much shit in the past by myself..I dont know why I ever doubted my ability to kick ass in this aspect too.

Am I gunna piss some people off? Probably. Do I give a fuck? Not at all. My family, & true friends know me & love me...and as long as I have that AND I love myself...thats all that matters.

I am who I am, and if nothing else-I GOTTA be true to me.

Saturday in San Francisco

SF Skyline






Saturday Chris took me to SF....partly to celebrate our 1st yr...but mostly to cheer me up since I was bein all gloomy & bitchy 'cuz wasnt with my Girls at the Arnold, and I was missing them soo much.


I LOVED getting the txt's and all the pics and phone calls but I cant lie--it really did KINDA make me sad & pouty and I felt soooooo left out :( Why did the damn Arnold hafta be the same weekend? Oh well..my honey cheered me up & we kept tryin to take pix so we could keep up with Jen & Beka's that they were sending :) Plus..it made me feel more "there" :)


************


It really was a wonderful day. We hung out at Fishermans Wharf, & Pier 39, had a delicious (but very unhealthy) meal at Bubba Gumps, toured a WWII Submarine, and went into a Video game/Arcade Museum. Basically --we just hung out & acted all "tourist-y" (which we never do when we go there) & just kept talkin about how cool it would be if Jen, Beka, Casey & Ryan were in SF with US instead of Columbus. I know...Im SELFISH like that!


Heres a lil of our day:





PIER 39 Shops








Alcatraz





WWI Submarine:


































Standing on top of the Sub


The "doors" (HOLES) to crawl thru on the sub are TINY!

Skyline at dusk and The Gorgeous CA Sunset. Ya cant really see it in the 2nd pic...but the Golden Gate bridge is in the background

It's Our Anniversary!

Yep...exactly one YEAR ago today, we met & went out on our 1st date ...and that day changed my life! :)

I never dreamed that "blind date" (we had talked before that,but never met) would end up like this...but Im so happy and grateful that it did. I am truly blessed to have Chris in my life....and I never thought a relationship could be this amazing.

Since our 1st date, theres only been NINE DAYS that we havent been together. (8 of which I was traveling and on the BFL Cruise) Other than that...its been everyday together and we have NEVER had a fight(not even an argument!! (For any of you that have known me & my past history of relationships--CAN U BELIEVE IT?!) hehe

The past year together has been Fantastic...I LOVE YOU CHRIS!

San Francisco- Pier 39