Friday, December 12, 2008


Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

4Th Picture (Tagged By Beka & Jen)

OK..since I was tagged by both Beka & Jen...I guess I gotta play! This is fun-thanks Girlys :)

4Th Picture:

*Pick the 4th pics folder on your computer
*Pick the 4th picture
*Explain the picture
*Tag 4 more peeps


My 4th Pic: This was in December 2005: Despina, Willow, Mariah & Me. Me & Blake flew out to Atlanta to visit Mariah & Steve & we all had sooo much fun this night but OMGoshh was it C-O-L-D!!

I Tag:

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Friday, October 3, 2008

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Thanks Coach for ALWAYS reminding me!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Takin' this from Janel's Blog...

Becuz I LOVED it soooo much!

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.(unless I already have! ;)

Thanks Janel! Thinkin about the memories of you and AZ has me "homesick"...Happy and sad all at the same time...Miss you!

Actually I miss ALL my BFL & bloggin c'mon...PLEASE play along!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Just to get rid of the F-in Turkey pix.....

And becuz Im ready to runaway to somewhere like this!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Awwwhhhhhhhhhhh Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt-We got one!!!

OK...gotta excuse how crappy I look-I had JUST finished a HIIT, and it was pretty early. Oh yeah-and Pops was so excited that he wasnt the best photgrapher!

Heres a better view of the Bird...(and Peteys hand!) He was a BIG'UN!!

Monday, March 31, 2008

SHHHHHH!!! Be Vewwy Vewwy Quiet....

We're hunting Turkeys!!!!

Turkey season opened on Saturday...and me & Pops were in full Redneck-Mode!

Seriously....You Might Be a Redneck if you can sit INSIDE yer house & call Turkeys up to the front door, then fire off an arrow or 2 right at 'um!! Bwahahahaha. Actually the funniest part was that Pops just knocked a bunch of feathers off its butt-and I was chasin' fuckin turkeys ALL OVER the damn hills all afternoon.

Yep-me in my pink n blue flannel penguin pj's, a hoody, my John Deere baseball cap--hobbling up & down the hills with my bum knee-it was HILARIOUS!! We finally gave up, and wouldnt ya know it, as soon as we did-they came back into the yard FOUR more times that day, and we STILL havent got one. WTF?! Bwahahahaha!!

Oh well, it was super-fun spending time w/Pops, being goofy and workin on mah Turkey-callin' skillz. (Im pretty damn good too!) And Hopefully within the next few days Ill be chompin on a delicious turkey drumstick.....

Friday, March 28, 2008

Me N Mah GIRLZ!!!

This definately makes me smile!! I love you both-and never woulda got through the last coupla years without yall.

Enough of the damn Pity Party.....

Yesterdays post-wow-WTF was that all about? Honestly...I write what I FEEL and thats exactly what I was feeling yesterday (and have been for a while).

Nothin' more, nothin' less.

I know there are a few things on that list that I have no control over, but there are also ALOT of things that I DO have the POWER TO CHANGE--first & foremost: MY ATTITUDE & HOW I CHOOSE TO DEAL WITH THESE "Bumps in the road".

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I'm Tired.....

*Tired of feeling run down all the time.
*Tired of going to Dr. appt's
*Tired of waiting to hear WHAT the Doc's are gunna do next
*Tired of not sleeping
*Tired of working
*Tired of fighting my depression & trying to SMILE through it all
*Tired of all the bullshit behind the Tony/Beka stuff (You know I love you Beka-Girl!)
*Tired of beating myself up over the fucked up choices Ive made in the past
*Tired of spending too much time away from my dogs
*Tired of trying to balance 2 seperate households
*Tired of not traveling
*Tired of the physical pain of my back, knee & endiometriosis
*Tired of liars, cheats & criminals
*Tired of cold weather
*Tired of not having any "Me-Time"
*Tired of people who adopt animals that they are not ready for/are not compatible with(then they blame the animal for bad behavior)
*Tired of being so bitchy/mean & angry

I just wish I could figure WHAT is wrong with me-is it physcial? Mental? A bad combo of both? If I knew what I was dealing with-then I could start working on a "plan" to make it better.

Oh well.....until I do-I really have no choice but to SUCK IT UP, paint a smile on my face & kick-ass-NO MATTER WHAT.
Well I guess I do have another choice-I could sit back, wallow in the bullshit of it all and watch it get worse and worse...but THATS NOT AN OPTION!!

I just wanna feel good again...........

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter!!

Monday, March 17, 2008


Did any of yall ever watch "Ally Macbeal"? She always had a "theme song" that would EMPOWER HER when she heard it or thought about it, and even though the show is loooong-gone, I think about that.

Heres my New THEME SONG:


(Its actually written about leaving a loser boyfriend--I'm not relating to it in that way at this point in my life (so I left out the 1st few lines) but the REST of the song is PERFECT!!

I’m gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can’t see
The stronger woman in me

I’m gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won’t lose myself again
never, no
Cause theres a stronger woman
a stronger woman in me

light bulbs buzz I get up
and head to my drawer
wish there was more
I could say
another fairy tale fades to grey
I’ve lived on hope

Just like a child
walking that mile
faking that smile
all the while
wishing my heart had wings

well tonight I am gonna be
The kind of woman I want my daughter to be

I’m gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can’t see
There’s a stronger woman in me
Won’t lose myself again
never, no
Cause there’s a stronger woman, a stronger woman

this is me packing up my bags
this is me headed for the door
this is me the best you ever had

I’m gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can’t see
There’s a stonger woman in me
I’m gonna be my own best friend

stick with me till the end
Won’t lose myself again
never, no
Cause there’s a stronger woman, stronger woman
Theres a stronger woman in me

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

It makes me sick

What the hell is up with so many girls on tracker putting themselves down and talking shit about their own bodies?? Do they even REALIZE the fucked up and NEGATIVE thoughts they are puttin not only in their OWN minds...but maybe of other women who look up to them?? I dont get it.

When you are IN SHAPE and FIT--alot of women (especially those who are either new to the site or are tryin to get fit) will look up to you. Thats a comes with the territory. Then..when you post pic after pic after pic lookin strong, lean & fit but say "Wahhhh Im soooo fat! Wahhhh my ass is fat and ugly....Wahhhh my belly is soo fat" "Wahhhhh I look like a COW!" etc, do you even stop and think about how someone who is-ohhh I dunno--severely overweight or someone who LOOKS UP TO YOU may take those comments? Even MORE IMPORTANT--Do you ever stop to think how YOUR OWN MIND & BODY takes those comments?!

I know I've had the thought :"Well damn-if "so & so" thinks She's fat & ugly...what in the fuck does she think when she looks at my 210+lb body." (Luckily Im now to the point that I dont really care/give a fuck what they would say or think--but its taken a long time to get to that point)

I know Im always talkin about "Dont care what other people think", but some of these women ARE "Role models" for others on the site....and self-bashing is NOT an attractive quality in anybody--no matter how lean, cut, hot or beautiful the outside may be.

I bring it up not only becuz it makes me fuckin sick...but becuz I know Im not the only one that feels this way. Ive had a few girls on tracker PM me about this, and they are already so PARANOID to post their before pics and then they read comments from their "idols" and it affects them & intimidates them even more. Most of the PM's included something along the lines of "I just wish my "AFTER" pics could look as good as "so & So's" BEFORE pix!

Ok...just about every woman I know deals with SOME(ALOT) sort of body-image/self esteem issue about their bodies. Thats "normal". But what doesn't seem normal is to keep publicly "broadcasting" how unhappy or insecure you are about it but then posting numerous pics in bikinis, lingerie or whatever. Its just CONFUSING as all hell. Is it a cry for attention? A desperate way to get "validation"? Is it a temporary "rush" to have everyone ELSE tell you " Oh NOOOO look HOT!" Hell..I wish I knew, but I don't.

What I do know is that ALL OF US women need to LOVE OURSELVES...BE OUR OWN BEST FRIENDS....PRACTICE POSITIVE SELF TALK and stop all the fuckin "bashing". EMBRACE YOUR BODY (and whatever "flaws" you might see in it...LOVE IT...TREAT IT and YOURSELF with respect, and act like the STRONG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN that you are!!!!

Friday, March 7, 2008

It's All About ME, Biiiiitches


Not only is that what Im calling my new Challenge--it's the way I need to get back to thinking and living. Don't get me wrong--I will definately still care about, keep in touch with and LOVE my girlz, my friends, family & everyone else close to me.....but I need to get my focus back and act like the bad-ass bitch I know I really am, so here it is. And here I am.

Like it, hate it....whatever....I really don't care anymore.

I'm so fuckin tired of WORRYING about what other people think of me..its so self sabotaging, and frankly--its what got me to the point I am now, all fucked up about food & shit & Always trying to find "acceptance" or VALIDATION from others. It's time to say Fuck the people that want to judge me/talk shit becuz I've gained weight back. Fuck watching what I post about becuz it might offend or piss someone off. Fuck taking & posting pics every day/week etc to hear OTHER people tell me I'm doing good. Sure its nice to get positive feedback, but c'mon constantly drawing attention to me, thats an act of low self esteem, wanting attention, and trying to get others to tell you how great you are. I'm woman enough to admit I've done it & damn--its ugly. From now on, Im going back to my old ways of finding validation: I will look in the mirror and get all the reassurance I need. As long as I'm eating clean, working out hard & being true to me...who cares what the fuck someone else thinks. It's time to listen to myself, my body and my heart. I've overcame so much shit in the past by myself..I dont know why I ever doubted my ability to kick ass in this aspect too.

Am I gunna piss some people off? Probably. Do I give a fuck? Not at all. My family, & true friends know me & love me...and as long as I have that AND I love myself...thats all that matters.

I am who I am, and if nothing else-I GOTTA be true to me.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Saturday in San Francisco

SF Skyline

Saturday Chris took me to SF....partly to celebrate our 1st yr...but mostly to cheer me up since I was bein all gloomy & bitchy 'cuz wasnt with my Girls at the Arnold, and I was missing them soo much.

I LOVED getting the txt's and all the pics and phone calls but I cant lie--it really did KINDA make me sad & pouty and I felt soooooo left out :( Why did the damn Arnold hafta be the same weekend? Oh honey cheered me up & we kept tryin to take pix so we could keep up with Jen & Beka's that they were sending :) made me feel more "there" :)


It really was a wonderful day. We hung out at Fishermans Wharf, & Pier 39, had a delicious (but very unhealthy) meal at Bubba Gumps, toured a WWII Submarine, and went into a Video game/Arcade Museum. Basically --we just hung out & acted all "tourist-y" (which we never do when we go there) & just kept talkin about how cool it would be if Jen, Beka, Casey & Ryan were in SF with US instead of Columbus. I know...Im SELFISH like that!

Heres a lil of our day:

PIER 39 Shops


WWI Submarine:

Standing on top of the Sub

The "doors" (HOLES) to crawl thru on the sub are TINY!

Skyline at dusk and The Gorgeous CA Sunset. Ya cant really see it in the 2nd pic...but the Golden Gate bridge is in the background

Monday, March 3, 2008

It's Our Anniversary!

Yep...exactly one YEAR ago today, we met & went out on our 1st date ...and that day changed my life! :)

I never dreamed that "blind date" (we had talked before that,but never met) would end up like this...but Im so happy and grateful that it did. I am truly blessed to have Chris in my life....and I never thought a relationship could be this amazing.

Since our 1st date, theres only been NINE DAYS that we havent been together. (8 of which I was traveling and on the BFL Cruise) Other than that...its been everyday together and we have NEVER had a fight(not even an argument!! (For any of you that have known me & my past history of relationships--CAN U BELIEVE IT?!) hehe

The past year together has been Fantastic...I LOVE YOU CHRIS!

San Francisco- Pier 39

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wish I had something Exciting to post about....

But I don't.

I start Physical Therapy tomarrow morning & the Surgeon FINALLY called me today & got me scheduled(for a consultation).....but not until March 17th. :(

Between PMDD & TOM I'm gettin my ass kicked and I'm ready to go crazy. One minute Im screamin, cussin, hate the sun, hate the rain, hate my clothes, hate my body, hate EVERYTHING & EVERYONE & ready to scratch EVERYONES eyes out...the next Im friggin cryin like baby, wanna just have Chris holding me tight & I'm craving chocolate. (I don't even LIKE chocolate). Yep.....hormones are wonderful arent they? UGHHHH!

I'm seeing the OB/GYN next week & hoping that the new med "YAZ" will work for me-heard lots of good things about it. Im prayin that it does (and belive is Chris, Blake & everyone I come in contact with lately!)

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Prelim Knee Report

According to my Doc...I managed to tear my Miniscus, partial tear of my ACL and ripped the main Tendon in the back of my knee. The good news is that the Tendon is still partially attached. YAY!! Its pretty gross...I can actually FEEL the spot that is ripped behind my knee....the part of the main tendon thats still attached is protruding & swollen, but the ripped part feels like a ball, all bunched up. YUCK!!!

My Dr. said I definately need Surgery. :(

Just waiting to hear from the Ortho Surgeon...and in the mean time will hafta go to PT for a lil rehab. Oh yeah...and he STRESSED that I am UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE to do ANY kind of workout that incorporates my Quads, Hamstring or calves. WTF??? (It probably wasnt a good idea goin straight to the doc appt from the gym huh?)Especially since just 3 or 4 weeks ago the exact same Doc ordered me to do NO WORKOUTS especially cardio for 4-6 weeks. Yikes. Oh well..

Yeah...I did go and do my UBWO yesterday a.m.

Someone on my Tracker Biggest Loser team asked me how do I find the strength/motivation and WANT to go WO even when Im injured? Honestly I DONT. I just GO THRU THE MOTIONS to get myself there...then once Im at the gym..99% of the time something inside of me takes over & I push as hard as I can. Do I WANT to do this? Hellll least not right now--I'd LOVE to be able to sleep in late, lounge around the house, relax & eat as I please..
The reality of it--I CANT. So I wont! :)

Well I could...but if I chose that everyday..Id be super-fat, sad, miserable and probably headed back for another stint in the Cuckoo-Ward...

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Forgot to mention

I re-tore the ligaments in my knee today.


Blakes Birthday!! (And Im a Big Ol' Crybaby!)

It was 4 days ago and the reality of my BABY being a "Legal Adult" still hasnt hit me!! Im walkin around kinda feeling like "How did he grow up so fast?" Time FLIES by!

Sunday I woke up soooo emotional. Its funny-the 10 years I worked at the jail I was completly EVERYTHING makes me weepy and actin like a baby. (At least its nice to know I recovered from all those years of feeling NOTHING)

Anyways...I was a mess that morning-when I went & picked up the Special Champagne Cake I ordered--it was NOT decorated how I ordered it. I. Was. Pissed! That poor girl workin at the bakery-I know she felt bad but DAMNNNNN how hard is it to decorate a friggin cake when thats WHAT YOU DO for a living? I guess what really pissed me off was that I paid $28.00 for this cake (WAY too much) but they are the only bakery in our whole area that does Champagne cakes. I was promised it would be really cute..the Baker wanted to decorate it in red & black trimming (His fave colors) & I made sure to tell her CONFETTI on it too. What I got was all white frosting with CURLING RIBBON (the kind you put on gifts) thrown over the top..and 9 (yes I counted them!) silver "bee-bees" as confetti. So that was the 1st thing that made me cry.

Then I cried becuz Chris wouldnt go run around/shopping w/me for Blakes BBQ becuz Nascar Race day was on.

Then I cried becuz Chris decided he was gunna STAY AT HOME and watch nascar instead of coming to my house for Blakes Bday. We almost had our 1st fight & broke up over this one!(He did show its all good between us)

Then I cried becuz I'm OLD!!

Then I cried when the Clerk at the grocery store asked me what was all the BBQ food for (wahhhhh...mah baybees 18!) Poor guy-he was like : Its Mom cried last year when I turned 18 too! (Umm..yeah thanks..)

THAT made me cry AGAIN becuz Im old....

Then I cried when my SIL & brother were being dicks & chose their Next door neighbors kids Bday party instead of Blakes (Blake is their ONLY nephew & my SIL ALWAYS finds some reason to not show up for our family stuff-guess I should be used to it..but Im not. And the kid next door is its not like hes a lil kid that wouldnt understand)

Next..came the tears when I decorated the house.

Then when I picked Blake up from his best friends house & I gave him a hug & kiss & said Happy Birthday...

Then when he saw the decorations...and when we cut the cake....and when he saw his gift (A fully loaded Dell Laptop-he was so surprised!)

Then the really sad tears came when I took a pic with Blake & REALIZED how friggin HUGE I have gotten over the last 3 weeks. Seriously. I honestly said "Who is the fat chick with Blake?!" How fucked up is that?! Ummm...helllllooooooo its M-E!!! WHEN exactly did I grow a second stomach, and 2nd & THIRD CHIN?

Even after all the tears and the fact that REALITY kicked me in the ended up being a great Birthday. Blake had fun....he loved his Laptop (and the 50 $1.00 Bills I gave him for the Strip club) & he really lit up when he saw the decorations hanging everywhere. I LOVE THAT BOY!!

Heres a few pics:

Each "swirl" had either a Lotto ticket or cash on the end-he loved it! (the pix of the rest of the house didnt come out good)

His "Not so cute" Cake

Making a Wish...

Eddie, Blake & Vince. (Do yall remember Vince? HES WALKING WITHOUT A CANE now!!YAY! A TRUE miracle after being shot just 1 yr ago)

Me & my 6'3" baby (Thank god for cropping--yall can only see how fat my FACE is) And yessss..thats a huge nasty hickey from ONE of his lil girlfriends hes sportin there. Ewwwwwww!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

For Udenia

These are from July, but they are some of my favorite pics of me N My Honey:

DAYTONA International Speedway

At Cracker Barrel in Orlando

Time To Catch Up....

Where do I start?? I've been so crazy-busy..I swear sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going--it's all one big blur!!

First things first--
(That right there deserves its OWN Post....which will be after this one :)

Heres the scoop on everything else:

Valentines Day #1: THANKS EVERYONE for all the comments about my Val day plans--yall are so sweet! It ended up being a really nice evening, but not exactly as planned :(
The good part was that Chris LOVED the massage! He was raving about it all night....Its so much fun when someone REALLY enjoys a gift ya know? My massage--it was OK. Not good. Not bad. The girl wasnt very confident in her strokes or touch & it made it hard for me to relax, (I hafta admit--when it comes to Massage...I'm definately a "Massage Snob". After 1.5 YEARS of Massage Therapy School I think it just happens.) I did get pissed off though becuz we did NOT get the snacks/treats that were part of the package, the Therapists were 10 min late (we were on a super-tight time schedule already) & they over charged me. It was only $5.00....and I didnt say anything becuz Chris was standing right next to me .(Didnt wanna make a scene when it was a "gift" ya know?) I still havent called the Owner--but I think I might. I dont mind spending $$, but I hate when I dont get what I pay for....
Right before dinner Chris surprized me with a VS purse, filled with a big bottle of my fave perfume & lotion--hes a sweetheart.
Dinner was yummy.
Didnt take ANY pix :(
Have you ever realized that when you put on a certain outfit, its not really how you LOOK IN IT that is important...its how you FEEL YOU LOOK IN IT that matters?? When I put on my cute dress & sexy shoes...I didnt FEEL hot in it. I actually felt VERY uncomfortable & awkward. I really wish I would have just wore jeans,my high heel boots and a cute sweater or top--thats what I feel sexy in :) (So...thats why I didnt take any pix)

Valentines Day #2: The "Other Man" in my life (BLAKE!) surprized me with a dozen red roses at work. :) I love that boy to death. Even after all the shit he has put me thru over the last few years--I KNOW I did something right becuz HE LOVES HIS MOMMA!! :)
That night Chris made me dinner, we snuggled on the couch watchin the NASCAR Race. It was PERFECT! We both laughed about how much more fun it was then gettin dressed up & goin out the night before. (Damn...I must be gettin old!)

On the Fitness Front: Nothing good to comment on. Struggling. Missed workouts. Eating crappy. Trying to Get My Shit Together. Its still really hard after being so completely disciplined for a year....Im kinda goin in circles. Its all about my mind right now--its just not in it....and when your minds not there-NOTHING you do will be effective.

Im workin on it though. I've been going thru boxes, pulling out old issues of Muscle Media (I Miss that magazine), pulling out old BFL Journals and I MUST get back into THE SECRET!!
Its all about gettin the mindset back!!


Sorry...Im so scattered thruout this post...thats just how my mind has been lately. Theres so many things I want to write about but Im kinda "foggy" right now...I'll be back! Later Gator!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Its VALENTINES DAY! (Well...kinda)

I know that tomarrow is the "official" day, but since we couldnt get reservations at our "1st Date" Restaraunt for the 14th, Chris & I decided to celebrate TODAY instead!

I'm pretty excited & it's just what I needed to bring me out of my funk. :)

So heres the plan:

I'm surprizing Chris this afternoon--I booked a Couples Massage for us at this adorable lil Day Spa here in Old Downtown. Its such a beautiful, cozy place...Its an old Victorian home that has been completly remodeled into a spa. They are gunna spoil us with Chocolates, cheese, crackers , wine and desserts for 1/2 an hour before our Massages. Niiiiice!!!!! Im sooo ready for a massage! Chris has never had one so I hope hes pleasantly surprised. Hes so cute-all I would tell him is : "When you get home..Take a shower & be ready to go somewhere by 3:30" So..hes CONVINCED that I've scheduled him a mani/pedi appt...and hes all nervous about it! hehehe

After the massage, hes taking me to the Buckhorn for dinner. We havent been back there since our First Date...awhhh...its gunna be so Romantic! (I hope! hehe) Actually, ANYWHERE we go together is romantic. :)

Yesterday he took me shopping & bought me a really cute dress & I found some hot sexy high heels to go with it. I NEVER wear dresses, but....Im Gunna do my best to look HOTT for my Baby tonight! (Hes so used to seein me in sweats, jeans & boots...hes not gunna know who I am.)
Hmmm....sounds like a lil ROLE PLAYIN is in order!! TMI TMI I know!

Thank you!

Thank you Everyone for all the Hugs & love during the last couple of days. It means soooo much to me! I love yall...Dont know what I would do if I didnt have all of my "BFL-Sisters". Yall are the BEST!!

Monday, February 11, 2008

I Miss My Sister

I miss her everyday...but then theres times like right now that it hits me sooooo damn hard, I almost cant handle it.

In a perfect world, she would be HERE with me , planning Blakes 18th Bday (she ADORED her Nephew!)...but instead-I spend time polishing her Headstone. Its sooo fuckin WRONG.

Murder changes EVERYTHING.........

Sorry I havent updated....

I've been too busy doing f*ckin PUSHUPS!!!! LOL

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

"Negative Nancy" has Left the Building!!

Thats it--I'm DONE with being such a "Negative Nancy" all the time!

Not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime over the last..,oh...9 or 10 did. I have become the type of person I cant stand. Negative, whiney, jealous,withdrawn, mean and bitter...& never even really realized it. WTF?! (Well...I KINDA realized it.....But didnt realize how MUCH I did it until last night.) my efforts to become a BETTER ME.....I am changing my attitude and outlook!

No more moaning, complaining or bitching when my body hurts,Im hungry, Im tired, blah blah blah....
Becuz...the bottom line is-no matter how tired, achy, etc I am--theres someone out there somewhere who would LOVE to be in my position & be surrounded with the BLESSINGS I have been given in my life!


MY Blessings are what I need to focus on and not anything else right now.

So...when I woke up today, I DECIDED that I could (and WOULD) ONLY BE: THANKFUL & GRATEFUL!!!

I also started a new "Challenge" with myself: Every single time I complain or say something negative, I hafta do 5 pushups.
Every single time a negative or hateful thought pops into my head...instead of giving any energy to it--I will focus on a POSITIVE "gift" in my life.

It's only been the 1st day-but I'm feeling a lil bit better and a tiny bit happier already, and I am going to bed-Giving THANKS for My LIFE, my health,my family, my friends & ALL of WONDERFUL things I have been given.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

For Those of You Who Bake.....

I need help--I had this "great idea" (Have you ever noticed when something starts out as "I have a great idea"...its usually NOT a great idea! hehe)

I thought: Since I love Pumpkin Protein PANCAKES so much...they would probably make great Pumpkin Protein MUFFINS. Well...Not so much! What do I need to add to the recipe to make them more MUFFIN-Y? (I can cook..but when it comes to Baking---ughhhh....definately not my strong point.)

They actually tasted good-but I lost about 1/2 of each "muffin" becuz they stuck to the paper liners.(Guess I will hafta use Pam instead of paper next time) And...they were kinda "heavy".

I dont wanna change the recipe too much-my main goal was/is to just make the process a lil faster. (Im always so pressed for time!) Do you think a "cake" would work...or would it still be too "heavy"?

Monday, February 4, 2008

"Ummm...Thanks, but can you now SHUT-'da-HELL UP?!"

And that's puttin' it NICELY!!

I just dont get it-"THOSE PEOPLE" who feel like they ALWAYS need to say sh*t....even if it's something they know nothing about. Prime example:

Today Im MINDIN MAH OWN BUSINESS at the gym....doin my BFL UBWO, and this (really annoying b*tch) Girl just HASTA talk to me. (I guess she doesnt realize that I 'm wearin my headphones for a REASON--so dummies like her dont talk to me)

Her: Ohhhhh...your BAAAACK to doin Body For Life I see. I thought you had a TRAINERRRRR? (She kinda made this irky lil voice when she said trainerrrrrr)

Me: I did, But things changed & Im back to doin BFL now.

(Small talk went on: Blah blah blahhhhhh....)

She kept askin WHY this & WHY that (nosey lil b*tch) ...and finally I just told her:

The diet plan wasnt working for me. I tried & tried & TRIED to follow it , but the whole low carb/NO carb thing & never eating healthy complex carbs kicked my ass. I ended up gettin pretty messed up from it...

Her: Why didnt you just "Stick it out" & TELL YOUR TRAINERRRRRR?! Ya know, trainers change things like that IF YOU TELL THEM, but c'mon...theyre not mind-readers!

Thats when I LOST IT!! I ended up "pretty much" goin off on her--until I almost made her cry. (I felt KINDA bad-but damn!) Who is this b*tch to tell me that all I had to do was TELL MY TRAINER and STick it out?!?! Shit I DID tell my trainer. I confessed time & time again that I was having SERIOUS issues with my diet. I BEGGED my trainer for 4+ MONTHS to just add a YAM or some fruit, or brown rice back in to my diet & I KNEW the bingeing would stop. I told my trainer about feeling crappy.... I told my Trainer about the headaches, bitchyness, lack of sleep, lack of energy, I told & I told & I told. But, It didnt happen-- I never got that "Approval". I just kept hearing "Bingeing is NOT about food-its about the mind."

I do agree that bingeing IS about the mind...but FOR ME (who has had bingeing issues in the past) when I cut my calories too low or cut out healthy carbs for very long, It leads to a crazy-uncontrollable-almost-unconcious-type of bingeing. (as oppossed to the "Thought-out" binges I did in the past) (I knew that-but I TRIED & TRIED to "stick it out", becuz I had so much faith and respect for my Trainer.)

I guess I just got so pissed off becuz I felt like she was talking down to me, putting me down-like I was stupid for deciding to not stay w/my Trainer. She doesnt know how hard I tried to stick it out. She wasnt there for me when I was crying all the time, & super-crazy-emotional. She didnt deal with the headaches, the moodiness, the anger & frustration or the feelings of inadaquacy that came over me becuz I couldnt "stick it out". She wasnt the one that HATED lookin in the mirror and was disgusted by what I saw. Hell...she wasnt even there when I was gettin numerous blood tests done at the Dr.s Office becuz I was feeling SOOO sick all the time! Unfortunately my 2 BFF's and Chris did see all of that...(And belive it or not-they STILL love me!)

So what the hell was my point of this post anyways?? Lets see:
#1--I needed to VENT!
#2--Sometimes things just dont work out. That doesnt mean that ONE person was at just means IT DIDNT WORK OUT. Period.
#3--I don't binge when I eat healthy BALANCED meals
#4--I love love love having yams, fruit, brown rice & other BFL approved foods back in my life
#5--Dont be so fast to judge someones decisions. You dont know what theyve been thru or how they got to the point their at.
#7--Just becuz something works for "A, B, & C" it doesnt mean itll work for "D" too! Theres lots of plans, programs & trainers becuz different things work for different people AT DIFFERENT TIMES!
#6--the old "bitch-dana" is on her way baaaack!! (Ive kinda missed her!)

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Happy Happy Joy Joy.....

I can't believe it-but today I actually woke up HAPPY & NOT feeling completely exhausted! Dayummm..I'd almost forgetten how great it feels.

Honestly...I think the fact of finalizing my "Big Decision" yesterday has alot to do with it. I feel like such a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and now I can have some closure & look and move forward.

I cant say THANK YOU enough for all the wonderful comments --I had no idea that I had more than 3 readers--so the comments were a really nice surprise! I love y'all!! And an extra special Thanks to my Girls(yall know who you are!) who have been puttin up with me and all this shit for the last 6 months-Im not sure HOW yall did it-but I really love you for stickin it out with me!!

Even though the weather completely SUX --I had a really nice day today. Started off w/ Chris surprising me this morning with a set of "PERFECT PUSHUPS"! Ya know..the ones they sell on TV that look like grips/handles and they rotate as you do pushups? I have been wanting them forever! :) Dang-they are HARD though-I could only do TWO full pushups with them. WTF?! (I can easily do 15 reg full pushups on the floor) Theyre super cool!

Then...we took a spur-of-the-moment trip to the Jelly Belly Factory. I havent been there since Blake was in 1st grade & we had a field trip there...but its a fun place to check out. Plus....its TOM so I was really wantin some candy! We went on the lil tour they had, bought some(LOTS!) jelly bellys (for MY jelly-belly! hehehe) & a few pieces of homemade Chocolate candy. MMMMMMM-mmmmmmm!!
The candy was pretty good-but the best part of it?? Was that I was able to go and NOT, I repeat NOTTTTTT feel guilty! YEAH ME!(Don't worry-Im definately NOT making candy & crap like that a regular part of my food plan.)

Wrapped up the evening on a "double-date" (Me N chris & Blake N Hayley (his adorable girlfriend) at our favorite lil hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaraunt. They serve authentic Mexico-style food...NOT fried...all homemade & pretty healthy. I had a really good time--its still kinda weird goin on a double-date w/ my son & his GF though, but I'm adjusting to it & truly enjoy spending time all together.

Thanks again for all the support!!
I love yall!!

Friday, February 1, 2008

So...I finally did it....

I ended it with my Trainer.

Today would have been our one year "Anniversary" of working together, but instead its over. Feels kinda wierd--almost like a "Break-up" ya know?

Its gunna be strange-especially after a whole year together (thats even longer than Ive been with my BF!) any type of relationship--things change. The 1st six months were the "Honeymoon " Period--ya know when EVERYTHING is so hunky-doory & Perfect?? Its all new, exciting & great. Then...then like so many relationships do....things start to change. The newness wears off. The calls arent returned as fast as they were in the beginning...ya know-all the lil' things that change as the newness fades. Plus some of the excitement was gone when I reached my 1st Goal (The cruise)..and I never really got the fire back.

Even though my life COMPLETELY changed after those first 6 months (I started working full time, Blakes school schedule changed, and I met Chris) I tried my best to keep up with the 2 & 3-a day workouts and eating 100% clean but DAYUMMMMMM. ALL it really created for me was guilt.
Guilt when I didnt have 4-5 HOURS a day to myself anymore to workout.
Guilt when I would hafta cut a workout short becuz I was gunna be late to work.
Guilt that I was using time for the gym when I could be spending it w/My son & my dogs.
Guilt that I was wasting my Trainers time by not following the Program 100%.
Guilt about food.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Honestly....I feel like I TRIED. And He tried. But sometimes, Like I said -things change.
My life has changed--
My goals have changed--
and to be perfectly honest--I DONT want to spend the rest of my life Eating ONLY oatmeal, asparagus, broccoli & green beans as my sources of carbs.
(No matter how great it might make me look-FOR ME...its not realistic to live ALL YEAR long like that.)

Im gunna miss him...and Ill be forever grateful for EVERYTHING I've learned over the past year.....

Thursday, January 31, 2008

HELP! I Need Ideas!!

OK I need some help y'all!

I have so many HUGE events coming up & I am NOT a very creative/idea-oriented person when I comes to stuff like this. Luckily I know my BFL & Blog-land friends PLEASE Help a sistah out!

Heres what I got coming up:

Feb 2nd-Nephews Bday: (He'll be 24) This one isnt too hard-probably get him a gift card but My brother just legally adopted him 2 weeks ago(yes-they do adult-adoptions nowdays! :) . Hes been my "nephew" since he was 8, but still now thats its legal-its kinda extra-special.

Feb 8th- My BF is turning the Big 30! I dont know what in the world to get him/or do for his big 3-0. Thought about a small party at his house, but theres really no room/place for entertaining more than 3-4 people(pretty bachelor-padish still), so thats makin it hard. He wants to go to Hooters for dinner but I need a great gift idea! HELP!

Feb 14th-Valentines Day: It'll be our 1st Valentines day together. Hes already made reservations at the restaurant we had our 1st date at (awwwhhhhh--isnt that sweet?hehe) But again NO IDEA what to get him/do for him.

Feb 17th-My Baby is Turning 18! This is the BIG one...I really wanna get him something special. (A car is out of the picture-I cant afford it and he hasnt even taken drivers Ed yet.) I can probably spend around $600-$700 TOPS if its something super-cool.)I was thinkin about maybe a Lap-top? He wants $400-$500 CASH but I know how he "blows" $$ so Im really hesitant about that. I would rather give him something he can have for a while, ya know?

March 3rd-One year Anniversary for Me & Chris! Thinkin about an overnight trip to the coast maybe? Again...not something too expensive becuz Im pretty much poor, but this is such a HUGE milestone for me--Meeting Chris and having him in my life has been the one of the BEST thing thats ever happened to me. He makes me soooo happy, I swear-he IS my "other-half"! Normally Im such a "Guy" about things like this-they really dont matter to me...but with Chris its sooo different! Im more in love with him every single day... :)

OK...Im open for suggestions so PLEASE send some my way guys!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

OMG How I love, love LOVVVVVVE these!

Pumpkin Protein Pancakes.....YUMMMMO!!

After seeing Dani's (SupaFreak) Blog yesterday & seeing all the delicious foods, I wanted to copy her & post one that I love right now. Its super simple, YUMMY and if I put some Light cool-whip on them--OMG I totally feel like Im cheating ..AND IM NOT! (I luv that feeling!)

All it is:

3 egg whites
1/2 C Oatmeal
2 T Canned pumpkin
splash of Vanilla extract
1-1.5 T Splenda
Dash of cinnamon

Blend all together. I usually add a splash of water to the "batter" too-I like to make them thinner than a reg. pancake. (That way they get all golden brown, a lil crispy on the outside-yumm!)

Then, just spray a skillet w/Pam, pour & cook. I usually dust a lil' splenda over the top (or I sometimes mix splenda & cinnamon & dust them with that.)-but w/the cool whip they are unbelievable!

*On days I need a lil more protein-I will add either 1-2 more egg whites or 1/4 C of low fat Cottage cheese to the mix.

Oh yeah-I like to make them about 2-3 inches in diameter..and it makes the WHOLE PLATE FULL! :) (thats a full sized dinner plate in the pic)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I Ate an Orange ...and it only took me 20 Minutes!

Before yall think I've COMPLETELY lost my mind...lemme explain!

One of the hardest parts of following my Trainers Diet Plan was that fruit is FORBIDDEN. I love fruit..and after living in Phoenix for 2 yrs with NO fresh fruit available(except flown-in, no-flavor stuff)-Being back in CA is like a fruit-lovers paradise. Well...since I hired my Trainer on Feb 1st last year...I went all year without eating hardly any--and when I did eat it--The GUILT was horrible! (My BFF swears Ive been BRAINWASHED..becuz fruit is NOT bad for me--but my mind seems to believe otherwise)

So anyway....last Tuesday (after 11 & 1/2 months of dying for one) I ate an ORANGE! Fresh picked off of one of my trees in the backyard. It was soooo DELICIOUS! Juicy, seedless, perfectly ripened! was so hard to tell myself that it was really OK to eat..I kept feeling like I was doing something WRONG. With every tiny lil Almost felt like I was committing a crime or sumthin! UGH!
That 1st orange took me and HOUR & TEN MINUTES to eat!! WTF??! Now how crazy is that?!

HOW in the hell did I get to this point--where I am TRULY AFRAID of HEALTHY foods such as fruits, brown rice, yams, and BEEF?! Im not exactly sure...but one thing I am sure of--I'm Working on GETTING BETTER!!

My goal this week-To eat my orange in UNDER 10 minutes! hehehehe!!!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

"THE Story"....(warning: This is gunna be a long one)

So how did "someone" (ME!) who KNOWS BFL works, and has had really good success with it, leave the BFL lifestyle after a few years of following it and end up 11+ months later...f*cked up in the head & fighting an eating disorder?

Last Jan, for reasons beyond my control, I had to move back to CA, and in w/my parents. (Within a 2 week period, I had lost my job, my apt & ended a relationship.) I was at such a huge cross-road & felt like the biggest f-in LOSER ever...and felt that everything I had worked sooo damn hard for when I moved to AZ was g-o-n-e. So....I decided I needed new direction & a new focus. I guess I also felt that I NEEDED to prove to myself & everyone around me that I WASNT a total loser. (Actually-much later- I found out(realized) that no one except MYSELF thought I was a loser)

On Feb 1st I hired a Personal Trainer. I did my homework..and decided on a really great one. When I started-I told my Trainer my main goal-to be in the BEST shape of my life for the BFL Cruise in May. That and that I had always DREAMED of competing in a Figure Comp before I turned 40. We focused on the goal at hand (the cruise) & agreed that we would work together to push me and see just how much I could handle--to see if competing in the (FAR)future would be do-able or not.
The 1st few weeks went great! I wasnt workin at the time, so I was able to focus 100% on my program. Switching from eating BFL way to my new plan was alot easier for me than I thought it would be. I had never done a really low carb meal plan before and WOW!!! MY BODY LOVED IT!!! Within 2 weeks I was SEEING changes! (On BFL it always took about 8+ weeks to really see changes)
I think it was around week #4, My trainer was really impressed w/ my 1st weigh in and pics, so much that we decided to take me to the next level. I was asked: "D...are you ready for the REAL hardcore stuff? Im talkin about hard-core, figure comp-girl type of training and dieting?" Me: HELL YEAH!! BRING-It-ONNNNNN!!" That 1st step of "Hardcore" was to start tryin "metabolism-manipulation". I started off w/ ONE no-carb day. Not too bad....I survived, and when asked if I could handle a new cycle of no carb/then VERY LOW carb days I totally accepted the challenge & KICKED ASS!! I also had to UP my cardio. I was doing 3 Workouts a day! An hour + of cardio at 5am, back to the gym around 12:30 for 2 + HOURS of lifting and some cardio...then back to the gym later that day/night for another HOUR+ of cardio. It was hard-as-hell, but I had a friend that was training for a comp-and this is what she was I wanted to see if I could handle it. It kicked my ass& I felt like shit, but hey-I was droppin inches and weight like fuckin crazy! and it also became sort-of addicting. I went for weeks...NO cheats AT ALL..not even lickin my fingers while cooking for Blake!) I WAS ON FIRE!!

Right after I started this- I got into more & more no carb days...I started hearing all the comments & compliments. I had people coming up to me at the gym, people in stores , it seemed like everywhere I went I was finally getting compliments & everyone asked what was I doin. It became kinda ADDICTING. I would get such a RUSH from it--and when I started seeing MUSCLES in the mirror-that became even more addicting.

At 1st, when I did more than 2-3 no carb days in a would really take its toll on me. I would literally fall asleep by 6 pm. I was cranky, mean & tired. soon as I was able to re-feed w/ veggies or energy levels would SKY ROCKET. It was almost drug-like. ( veins would really POP after gettin a few carbs back in me, which I LOVED!)

I kept this up until the Cruise....and when I stepped on the ship that day-I WAS smaller than I had been since probably high-school. I loved the comments I got from all my BFL buddies who hadnt seen me in a long time. I LOVED that I was wearing a pair of JUNIOR-size 11 cargo shorts when I got there! I also LOVED that I was gunna wear a SIZE NINE formal dress to the Captains dinner!
Even as happy as all of that made me..I wasnt mentally prepared for the DOWNSIDE of living a no-carb/low carb & heavy training lifestyle.

All the fantastic feelings I had about my new SMALL clothes?? That all changed less than 24 HOURS after gettin on the ship. As soon as I ate "regular" food....I started to BLOW UP! My gorgeous size 9 dress? I had to wear a frickin "girdle-type" garment under it just so I could fit into it, and just 2 days earleir it fit and LOOKED amazing! WTF?! All of it got me so depressed that I turned back to my old nasty way of bingeing, which of course just made EVERYTHING worse.

My bingeing affected the whole trip. How crazy is it that the one event I was preparing for was ruined becuz of the way I got there?

Fast forward a few more months. I ended up gettin into a really vicious cycle of doing No carb days all day long & lots of cardio, then would binge at night. My body started to change the way it reacted to carbs too. I got to the point that when I had NO carbs...I would be BOUNCING off the walls!! But...add carbs back in-even healthy ones...I was literally fallin asleep within 30 min of consumption. It started to really affect me & it wasnt the best thing for my relationship either. When I asked my trainer about it-I was told "This is where we wanna be! This is the OPTIMAL Fat-burning stage!! Now we just need to add in extra cradio & we'll be good." So...I kept it up. Vicious vicious carb all day, binge at night, wake up & feel so fuckin guilty that I would start all over again. The really bad part? I knew that no matter HOW MUCH damage I did with the binge... I could go on a 24 hour no-carb diet, workout hella hard, drink 1-2 gals of water I would DROP 6-7 POUNDS within that 24 hr period. I did this CONSTANTLY for a couple of months. Guess what? it fucked me up!!! Up..down..up...down...not only did it take its toll on me physically but mentally: awwhhhhhh shittttt..........

*to be continued*

Sh*t...Sh*t...Sh*t!!! One step forward...3 steps back!

I know that this latest journey/struggle is NOT about being perfect. Hell....TRYING to be "Perfect" with my Trainer is one of the main things that got me to this point in the 1st place. NO ONE is perfect all the time. Bottom line.

So..why is it so hard for me to accept that I AM goin to have times that I dont eat right, times that I miss workouts, and times that I just wanna give-the-fuck-up?!

I was feeling kinda proud of myself & HOPEFUL because I hadnt binged since Sunday Jan 13th....I havent been perfect-but I havent binged. Then yesterday & last night I frickin blew it. It started yesterday afternoon when I ran to the store w/ Blake. I was already paying for my stuff when I told Blake to go get me a box of Red Ropes. (My fave). I was holding up everyone in line-just for the damn candy--how Pathetic is that? Well as bad as it is--it gets worse. I came home, got online to catch up on tracker and ate THE WHOLE BOX of red ropes (except 2 pieces!) in less than TEN MINUTES! WTF??? I honestly dont even really remember what they tasted like. Double WTF?! And to eat them while reading tracker?? TRIPLE WTF?!!SO picture this...Im readin the "Divas" thread...seeing how everyone thats gettin ready for a comp is doin so awesome, and Im SHOVING red ropes in my mouth at a speed so fast Im barely chewing. NOT a pretty picture. What the hell is wrong with me?

We also had a dinner to attend last night with the Hawaiian Club that I belong to. That dinner was my PLANNED free meal, so I didnt feel any guilt associated with it. Kinda strange how that works huh?

The worst part came at 11:00 PM. I left my BF's house and instead of going straight home I went to Taco Bell. This binge was different then most Ive dealt with lately--this one was very similar to my "old" bingeing ways. It was THOUGHT-OUT. Huge difference. I even played the stupid-ass mind games with myself while I was driving there...saying "If theres alot of people at the drive-thru. Ill just go home & not stop." Guess what? No one in the drive thru I guess that was my way of "Justifying" it.
I came home....snuck into the house...and as if the bean burrito, beef chalupa supreme and nachos Supreme werent enough..I QUIETLY went in the kitchen and grabbed a huge Apple Fritter. I KNEW it was wrong. If it wasnt...I wouldnt be SNEAKING around & HIDING in my bedroom late at night to eat this shit. But I couldnt get myself to stop. Every f-in last bite. With every mouthful...I felt worse and worse....but still couldnt get myself to just STOP.

Slept like shit, Woke up feelin like shit, lookin like shit and very embarrassed that it happened again. If youve never had to go thru this...I wanna apologise for how CRAZY it must sound to you. It seems easy enough..JUST DONT EAT IT!! I just wish it was that easy for me.

I want to stop....I just feel so out of control when it happens. Then comes the guilt and guilt is what fuckin destroys me....
Today my challenge is to NOT resort back to my ways of the last 7 months of eating NO CARB and doing HOURS worth of workouts and starving myself to "punish" myself for the binge. I gotta find new ways to deal with it. But damn--its hard when I know I could go carb-free for 24 hrs, drink 2 gals of water, workout for a couple hrs and drop 6-7 lbs IMMEDITAELY. I wont do it though becuz thats how I got to this point.
Wish me luck.....I WILL get thru it!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

To Lighten My mood a Bit.....My 20 Minute Makeover:

Since I've been feeling so crappy the last couple of months, I've really been lagging in the "me" department and DAYUMMMMM Im lookin tore-up!!

I want...NOOOOO, I NEED a makeover soooo bad!!! (But I'm pretty much POOR, so I had to do it myself. :)

After one whole WEEK (YAY!) of adding some healthy carbs back into my life, I finally felt good enough to go out, get some new makeup and for the 1st time in my life--I bought some Hot Rollers! (Now how 80's is THAT?!) hehehe I've always wanted to try them out and I figured NOW was as good a time as any to try to get that "Beauty-Queen/Miss America" Hair!

So....heres what happens in 20 minutes with a lil' Bare Escentuals Makeup (which I ADORE!!), some new eyeshadow & A bunch of Hot rollers...whatcha think?! Dont be laughin toooo hard at my BOUNCY curls :)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Ahhhh....I Luv You Guys!!

I can't describe how much it means to me that y'all have checked in on me, and how much the support helps. This shit is HARD to deal with but it helps knowing I have such amazing inspirational people on my side--Y'all are THE BEST!!!

It's kinda weird...I have soooo much to write about/get off my chest-but I'm not quite where or even HOW to start, so PLEASE bear with me thru the next few days K?

Thanks again...I love you guys!!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Whhh..Whhhhherrrr am I?!

Im BACK in Blogland....thats where!

Damnnnn...its been almost a whole YEAR...where did 2007 go?

Ive truly missed bloggin and I miss keeping up with the lives of all my online Buddies, so here I am. (Hopefully some of yall still remember me)

As for me.....I ORIGINALLY set up this blog just as a way to get back in touch with everyone, but since creating it 3 weeks focus has changed.
It will now also be a form of my "Therapy".....

As hard as this is to write-I have realized theres no way to hide from the truth any longer:

I'm battling an Eating Disorder.

There. I said it. Its in writing for the whole Blogland to see.....