Thursday, January 31, 2008

HELP! I Need Ideas!!

OK I need some help y'all!

I have so many HUGE events coming up & I am NOT a very creative/idea-oriented person when I comes to stuff like this. Luckily I know my BFL & Blog-land friends PLEASE Help a sistah out!

Heres what I got coming up:

Feb 2nd-Nephews Bday: (He'll be 24) This one isnt too hard-probably get him a gift card but My brother just legally adopted him 2 weeks ago(yes-they do adult-adoptions nowdays! :) . Hes been my "nephew" since he was 8, but still now thats its legal-its kinda extra-special.

Feb 8th- My BF is turning the Big 30! I dont know what in the world to get him/or do for his big 3-0. Thought about a small party at his house, but theres really no room/place for entertaining more than 3-4 people(pretty bachelor-padish still), so thats makin it hard. He wants to go to Hooters for dinner but I need a great gift idea! HELP!

Feb 14th-Valentines Day: It'll be our 1st Valentines day together. Hes already made reservations at the restaurant we had our 1st date at (awwwhhhhh--isnt that sweet?hehe) But again NO IDEA what to get him/do for him.

Feb 17th-My Baby is Turning 18! This is the BIG one...I really wanna get him something special. (A car is out of the picture-I cant afford it and he hasnt even taken drivers Ed yet.) I can probably spend around $600-$700 TOPS if its something super-cool.)I was thinkin about maybe a Lap-top? He wants $400-$500 CASH but I know how he "blows" $$ so Im really hesitant about that. I would rather give him something he can have for a while, ya know?

March 3rd-One year Anniversary for Me & Chris! Thinkin about an overnight trip to the coast maybe? Again...not something too expensive becuz Im pretty much poor, but this is such a HUGE milestone for me--Meeting Chris and having him in my life has been the one of the BEST thing thats ever happened to me. He makes me soooo happy, I swear-he IS my "other-half"! Normally Im such a "Guy" about things like this-they really dont matter to me...but with Chris its sooo different! Im more in love with him every single day... :)

OK...Im open for suggestions so PLEASE send some my way guys!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

OMG How I love, love LOVVVVVVE these!

Pumpkin Protein Pancakes.....YUMMMMO!!

After seeing Dani's (SupaFreak) Blog yesterday & seeing all the delicious foods, I wanted to copy her & post one that I love right now. Its super simple, YUMMY and if I put some Light cool-whip on them--OMG I totally feel like Im cheating ..AND IM NOT! (I luv that feeling!)

All it is:

3 egg whites
1/2 C Oatmeal
2 T Canned pumpkin
splash of Vanilla extract
1-1.5 T Splenda
Dash of cinnamon

Blend all together. I usually add a splash of water to the "batter" too-I like to make them thinner than a reg. pancake. (That way they get all golden brown, a lil crispy on the outside-yumm!)

Then, just spray a skillet w/Pam, pour & cook. I usually dust a lil' splenda over the top (or I sometimes mix splenda & cinnamon & dust them with that.)-but w/the cool whip they are unbelievable!

*On days I need a lil more protein-I will add either 1-2 more egg whites or 1/4 C of low fat Cottage cheese to the mix.

Oh yeah-I like to make them about 2-3 inches in diameter..and it makes the WHOLE PLATE FULL! :) (thats a full sized dinner plate in the pic)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I Ate an Orange ...and it only took me 20 Minutes!

Before yall think I've COMPLETELY lost my mind...lemme explain!

One of the hardest parts of following my Trainers Diet Plan was that fruit is FORBIDDEN. I love fruit..and after living in Phoenix for 2 yrs with NO fresh fruit available(except flown-in, no-flavor stuff)-Being back in CA is like a fruit-lovers paradise. Well...since I hired my Trainer on Feb 1st last year...I went all year without eating hardly any--and when I did eat it--The GUILT was horrible! (My BFF swears Ive been BRAINWASHED..becuz fruit is NOT bad for me--but my mind seems to believe otherwise)

So anyway....last Tuesday (after 11 & 1/2 months of dying for one) I ate an ORANGE! Fresh picked off of one of my trees in the backyard. It was soooo DELICIOUS! Juicy, seedless, perfectly ripened! was so hard to tell myself that it was really OK to eat..I kept feeling like I was doing something WRONG. With every tiny lil Almost felt like I was committing a crime or sumthin! UGH!
That 1st orange took me and HOUR & TEN MINUTES to eat!! WTF??! Now how crazy is that?!

HOW in the hell did I get to this point--where I am TRULY AFRAID of HEALTHY foods such as fruits, brown rice, yams, and BEEF?! Im not exactly sure...but one thing I am sure of--I'm Working on GETTING BETTER!!

My goal this week-To eat my orange in UNDER 10 minutes! hehehehe!!!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

"THE Story"....(warning: This is gunna be a long one)

So how did "someone" (ME!) who KNOWS BFL works, and has had really good success with it, leave the BFL lifestyle after a few years of following it and end up 11+ months later...f*cked up in the head & fighting an eating disorder?

Last Jan, for reasons beyond my control, I had to move back to CA, and in w/my parents. (Within a 2 week period, I had lost my job, my apt & ended a relationship.) I was at such a huge cross-road & felt like the biggest f-in LOSER ever...and felt that everything I had worked sooo damn hard for when I moved to AZ was g-o-n-e. So....I decided I needed new direction & a new focus. I guess I also felt that I NEEDED to prove to myself & everyone around me that I WASNT a total loser. (Actually-much later- I found out(realized) that no one except MYSELF thought I was a loser)

On Feb 1st I hired a Personal Trainer. I did my homework..and decided on a really great one. When I started-I told my Trainer my main goal-to be in the BEST shape of my life for the BFL Cruise in May. That and that I had always DREAMED of competing in a Figure Comp before I turned 40. We focused on the goal at hand (the cruise) & agreed that we would work together to push me and see just how much I could handle--to see if competing in the (FAR)future would be do-able or not.
The 1st few weeks went great! I wasnt workin at the time, so I was able to focus 100% on my program. Switching from eating BFL way to my new plan was alot easier for me than I thought it would be. I had never done a really low carb meal plan before and WOW!!! MY BODY LOVED IT!!! Within 2 weeks I was SEEING changes! (On BFL it always took about 8+ weeks to really see changes)
I think it was around week #4, My trainer was really impressed w/ my 1st weigh in and pics, so much that we decided to take me to the next level. I was asked: "D...are you ready for the REAL hardcore stuff? Im talkin about hard-core, figure comp-girl type of training and dieting?" Me: HELL YEAH!! BRING-It-ONNNNNN!!" That 1st step of "Hardcore" was to start tryin "metabolism-manipulation". I started off w/ ONE no-carb day. Not too bad....I survived, and when asked if I could handle a new cycle of no carb/then VERY LOW carb days I totally accepted the challenge & KICKED ASS!! I also had to UP my cardio. I was doing 3 Workouts a day! An hour + of cardio at 5am, back to the gym around 12:30 for 2 + HOURS of lifting and some cardio...then back to the gym later that day/night for another HOUR+ of cardio. It was hard-as-hell, but I had a friend that was training for a comp-and this is what she was I wanted to see if I could handle it. It kicked my ass& I felt like shit, but hey-I was droppin inches and weight like fuckin crazy! and it also became sort-of addicting. I went for weeks...NO cheats AT ALL..not even lickin my fingers while cooking for Blake!) I WAS ON FIRE!!

Right after I started this- I got into more & more no carb days...I started hearing all the comments & compliments. I had people coming up to me at the gym, people in stores , it seemed like everywhere I went I was finally getting compliments & everyone asked what was I doin. It became kinda ADDICTING. I would get such a RUSH from it--and when I started seeing MUSCLES in the mirror-that became even more addicting.

At 1st, when I did more than 2-3 no carb days in a would really take its toll on me. I would literally fall asleep by 6 pm. I was cranky, mean & tired. soon as I was able to re-feed w/ veggies or energy levels would SKY ROCKET. It was almost drug-like. ( veins would really POP after gettin a few carbs back in me, which I LOVED!)

I kept this up until the Cruise....and when I stepped on the ship that day-I WAS smaller than I had been since probably high-school. I loved the comments I got from all my BFL buddies who hadnt seen me in a long time. I LOVED that I was wearing a pair of JUNIOR-size 11 cargo shorts when I got there! I also LOVED that I was gunna wear a SIZE NINE formal dress to the Captains dinner!
Even as happy as all of that made me..I wasnt mentally prepared for the DOWNSIDE of living a no-carb/low carb & heavy training lifestyle.

All the fantastic feelings I had about my new SMALL clothes?? That all changed less than 24 HOURS after gettin on the ship. As soon as I ate "regular" food....I started to BLOW UP! My gorgeous size 9 dress? I had to wear a frickin "girdle-type" garment under it just so I could fit into it, and just 2 days earleir it fit and LOOKED amazing! WTF?! All of it got me so depressed that I turned back to my old nasty way of bingeing, which of course just made EVERYTHING worse.

My bingeing affected the whole trip. How crazy is it that the one event I was preparing for was ruined becuz of the way I got there?

Fast forward a few more months. I ended up gettin into a really vicious cycle of doing No carb days all day long & lots of cardio, then would binge at night. My body started to change the way it reacted to carbs too. I got to the point that when I had NO carbs...I would be BOUNCING off the walls!! But...add carbs back in-even healthy ones...I was literally fallin asleep within 30 min of consumption. It started to really affect me & it wasnt the best thing for my relationship either. When I asked my trainer about it-I was told "This is where we wanna be! This is the OPTIMAL Fat-burning stage!! Now we just need to add in extra cradio & we'll be good." So...I kept it up. Vicious vicious carb all day, binge at night, wake up & feel so fuckin guilty that I would start all over again. The really bad part? I knew that no matter HOW MUCH damage I did with the binge... I could go on a 24 hour no-carb diet, workout hella hard, drink 1-2 gals of water I would DROP 6-7 POUNDS within that 24 hr period. I did this CONSTANTLY for a couple of months. Guess what? it fucked me up!!! Up..down..up...down...not only did it take its toll on me physically but mentally: awwhhhhhh shittttt..........

*to be continued*

Sh*t...Sh*t...Sh*t!!! One step forward...3 steps back!

I know that this latest journey/struggle is NOT about being perfect. Hell....TRYING to be "Perfect" with my Trainer is one of the main things that got me to this point in the 1st place. NO ONE is perfect all the time. Bottom line.

So..why is it so hard for me to accept that I AM goin to have times that I dont eat right, times that I miss workouts, and times that I just wanna give-the-fuck-up?!

I was feeling kinda proud of myself & HOPEFUL because I hadnt binged since Sunday Jan 13th....I havent been perfect-but I havent binged. Then yesterday & last night I frickin blew it. It started yesterday afternoon when I ran to the store w/ Blake. I was already paying for my stuff when I told Blake to go get me a box of Red Ropes. (My fave). I was holding up everyone in line-just for the damn candy--how Pathetic is that? Well as bad as it is--it gets worse. I came home, got online to catch up on tracker and ate THE WHOLE BOX of red ropes (except 2 pieces!) in less than TEN MINUTES! WTF??? I honestly dont even really remember what they tasted like. Double WTF?! And to eat them while reading tracker?? TRIPLE WTF?!!SO picture this...Im readin the "Divas" thread...seeing how everyone thats gettin ready for a comp is doin so awesome, and Im SHOVING red ropes in my mouth at a speed so fast Im barely chewing. NOT a pretty picture. What the hell is wrong with me?

We also had a dinner to attend last night with the Hawaiian Club that I belong to. That dinner was my PLANNED free meal, so I didnt feel any guilt associated with it. Kinda strange how that works huh?

The worst part came at 11:00 PM. I left my BF's house and instead of going straight home I went to Taco Bell. This binge was different then most Ive dealt with lately--this one was very similar to my "old" bingeing ways. It was THOUGHT-OUT. Huge difference. I even played the stupid-ass mind games with myself while I was driving there...saying "If theres alot of people at the drive-thru. Ill just go home & not stop." Guess what? No one in the drive thru I guess that was my way of "Justifying" it.
I came home....snuck into the house...and as if the bean burrito, beef chalupa supreme and nachos Supreme werent enough..I QUIETLY went in the kitchen and grabbed a huge Apple Fritter. I KNEW it was wrong. If it wasnt...I wouldnt be SNEAKING around & HIDING in my bedroom late at night to eat this shit. But I couldnt get myself to stop. Every f-in last bite. With every mouthful...I felt worse and worse....but still couldnt get myself to just STOP.

Slept like shit, Woke up feelin like shit, lookin like shit and very embarrassed that it happened again. If youve never had to go thru this...I wanna apologise for how CRAZY it must sound to you. It seems easy enough..JUST DONT EAT IT!! I just wish it was that easy for me.

I want to stop....I just feel so out of control when it happens. Then comes the guilt and guilt is what fuckin destroys me....
Today my challenge is to NOT resort back to my ways of the last 7 months of eating NO CARB and doing HOURS worth of workouts and starving myself to "punish" myself for the binge. I gotta find new ways to deal with it. But damn--its hard when I know I could go carb-free for 24 hrs, drink 2 gals of water, workout for a couple hrs and drop 6-7 lbs IMMEDITAELY. I wont do it though becuz thats how I got to this point.
Wish me luck.....I WILL get thru it!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

To Lighten My mood a Bit.....My 20 Minute Makeover:

Since I've been feeling so crappy the last couple of months, I've really been lagging in the "me" department and DAYUMMMMM Im lookin tore-up!!

I want...NOOOOO, I NEED a makeover soooo bad!!! (But I'm pretty much POOR, so I had to do it myself. :)

After one whole WEEK (YAY!) of adding some healthy carbs back into my life, I finally felt good enough to go out, get some new makeup and for the 1st time in my life--I bought some Hot Rollers! (Now how 80's is THAT?!) hehehe I've always wanted to try them out and I figured NOW was as good a time as any to try to get that "Beauty-Queen/Miss America" Hair!

So....heres what happens in 20 minutes with a lil' Bare Escentuals Makeup (which I ADORE!!), some new eyeshadow & A bunch of Hot rollers...whatcha think?! Dont be laughin toooo hard at my BOUNCY curls :)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Ahhhh....I Luv You Guys!!

I can't describe how much it means to me that y'all have checked in on me, and how much the support helps. This shit is HARD to deal with but it helps knowing I have such amazing inspirational people on my side--Y'all are THE BEST!!!

It's kinda weird...I have soooo much to write about/get off my chest-but I'm not quite where or even HOW to start, so PLEASE bear with me thru the next few days K?

Thanks again...I love you guys!!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Whhh..Whhhhherrrr am I?!

Im BACK in Blogland....thats where!

Damnnnn...its been almost a whole YEAR...where did 2007 go?

Ive truly missed bloggin and I miss keeping up with the lives of all my online Buddies, so here I am. (Hopefully some of yall still remember me)

As for me.....I ORIGINALLY set up this blog just as a way to get back in touch with everyone, but since creating it 3 weeks focus has changed.
It will now also be a form of my "Therapy".....

As hard as this is to write-I have realized theres no way to hide from the truth any longer:

I'm battling an Eating Disorder.

There. I said it. Its in writing for the whole Blogland to see.....