I know that this latest journey/struggle is NOT about being perfect. Hell....TRYING to be "Perfect" with my Trainer is one of the main things that got me to this point in the 1st place. NO ONE is perfect all the time. Bottom line.
So..why is it so hard for me to accept that I AM goin to have times that I dont eat right, times that I miss workouts, and times that I just wanna give-the-fuck-up?!
I was feeling kinda proud of myself & HOPEFUL because I hadnt binged since Sunday Jan 13th....I havent been perfect-but I havent binged. Then yesterday & last night I frickin blew it. It started yesterday afternoon when I ran to the store w/ Blake. I was already paying for my stuff when I told Blake to go get me a box of Red Ropes. (My fave). I was holding up everyone in line-just for the damn candy--how Pathetic is that? Well as bad as it is--it gets worse. I came home, got online to catch up on tracker and ate THE WHOLE BOX of red ropes (except 2 pieces!) in less than TEN MINUTES! WTF??? I honestly dont even really remember what they tasted like. Double WTF?! And to eat them while reading tracker?? TRIPLE WTF?!!SO picture this...Im readin the "Divas" thread...seeing how everyone thats gettin ready for a comp is doin so awesome, and Im SHOVING red ropes in my mouth at a speed so fast Im barely chewing. NOT a pretty picture. What the hell is wrong with me?
We also had a dinner to attend last night with the Hawaiian Club that I belong to. That dinner was my PLANNED free meal, so I didnt feel any guilt associated with it. Kinda strange how that works huh?
The worst part came at 11:00 PM. I left my BF's house and instead of going straight home I went to Taco Bell. This binge was different then most Ive dealt with lately--this one was very similar to my "old" bingeing ways. It was THOUGHT-OUT. Huge difference. I even played the stupid-ass mind games with myself while I was driving there...saying "If theres alot of people at the drive-thru. Ill just go home & not stop." Guess what? No one in the drive thru line....so I guess that was my way of "Justifying" it.
I came home....snuck into the house...and as if the bean burrito, beef chalupa supreme and nachos Supreme werent enough..I QUIETLY went in the kitchen and grabbed a huge Apple Fritter. I KNEW it was wrong. If it wasnt...I wouldnt be SNEAKING around & HIDING in my bedroom late at night to eat this shit. But I couldnt get myself to stop. Every f-in last bite. With every mouthful...I felt worse and worse....but still couldnt get myself to just STOP.
Slept like shit, Woke up feelin like shit, lookin like shit and very embarrassed that it happened again. If youve never had to go thru this...I wanna apologise for how CRAZY it must sound to you. It seems easy enough..JUST DONT EAT IT!! I just wish it was that easy for me.
I want to stop....I just feel so out of control when it happens. Then comes the guilt and guilt is what fuckin destroys me....
Today my challenge is to NOT resort back to my ways of the last 7 months of eating NO CARB and doing HOURS worth of workouts and starving myself to "punish" myself for the binge. I gotta find new ways to deal with it. But damn--its hard when I know I could go carb-free for 24 hrs, drink 2 gals of water, workout for a couple hrs and drop 6-7 lbs IMMEDITAELY. I wont do it though becuz thats how I got to this point.
Wish me luck.....I WILL get thru it!!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
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No you actually reminded me of a time when I was in Panama City Fl and me and my GF was on this new diet and I had been on it a whole week, doing great! Then I was driving home and did the same thing, but by doing that it reminded me that I was leaving "something" out of my diet and that was good carbs and my free day, I didn't allow myself one at all. So as time went by I got stronger and stronger and I was able to drive right by because I knew my free day or off day is what I called it back then would come and I could reward myself. Practice makes perfect honey! Everyone stumbles but what makes the measure of a true champion is picking yourself back up and continuing on the journey you set in front of yourself! You can do it, I believe in you. Hell, you are already a flipping knock out! Just build on that!
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