Wish I had something Exciting to post about....

But I don't.

I start Physical Therapy tomarrow morning & the Surgeon FINALLY called me today & got me scheduled(for a consultation).....but not until March 17th. :(

Between PMDD & TOM I'm gettin my ass kicked and I'm ready to go crazy. One minute Im screamin, cussin, hate the sun, hate the rain, hate my clothes, hate my body, hate EVERYTHING & EVERYONE & ready to scratch EVERYONES eyes out...the next Im friggin cryin like baby, wanna just have Chris holding me tight & I'm craving chocolate. (I don't even LIKE chocolate). Yep.....hormones are wonderful arent they? UGHHHH!

I'm seeing the OB/GYN next week & hoping that the new med "YAZ" will work for me-heard lots of good things about it. Im prayin that it does (and belive me...so is Chris, Blake & everyone I come in contact with lately!)

Prelim Knee Report

According to my Doc...I managed to tear my Miniscus, partial tear of my ACL and ripped the main Tendon in the back of my knee. The good news is that the Tendon is still partially attached. YAY!! Its pretty gross...I can actually FEEL the spot that is ripped behind my knee....the part of the main tendon thats still attached is protruding & swollen, but the ripped part feels like a ball, all bunched up. YUCK!!!

My Dr. said I definately need Surgery. :(

Just waiting to hear from the Ortho Surgeon...and in the mean time will hafta go to PT for a lil rehab. Oh yeah...and he STRESSED that I am UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE to do ANY kind of workout that incorporates my Quads, Hamstring or calves. WTF??? (It probably wasnt a good idea goin straight to the doc appt from the gym huh?)Especially since just 3 or 4 weeks ago the exact same Doc ordered me to do NO WORKOUTS especially cardio for 4-6 weeks. Yikes. Oh well..

Yeah...I did go and do my UBWO yesterday a.m.

Someone on my Tracker Biggest Loser team asked me how do I find the strength/motivation and WANT to go WO even when Im injured? Honestly I DONT. I just GO THRU THE MOTIONS to get myself there...then once Im at the gym..99% of the time something inside of me takes over & I push as hard as I can. Do I WANT to do this? Hellll noooooo...at least not right now--I'd LOVE to be able to sleep in late, lounge around the house, relax & eat as I please..
The reality of it--I CANT. So I wont! :)

Well I could...but if I chose that everyday..Id be super-fat, sad, miserable and probably headed back for another stint in the Cuckoo-Ward...

Forgot to mention

I re-tore the ligaments in my knee today.

FUK FUK FUKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Blakes Birthday!! (And Im a Big Ol' Crybaby!)

It was 4 days ago and the reality of my BABY being a "Legal Adult" still hasnt hit me!! Im walkin around kinda feeling like "How did he grow up so fast?" Time FLIES by!


Sunday I woke up soooo emotional. Its funny-the 10 years I worked at the jail I was completly UNEMOTIONAL....now EVERYTHING makes me weepy and actin like a baby. (At least its nice to know I recovered from all those years of feeling NOTHING)


Anyways...I was a mess that morning-when I went & picked up the Special Champagne Cake I ordered--it was NOT decorated how I ordered it. I. Was. Pissed! That poor girl workin at the bakery-I know she felt bad but DAMNNNNN how hard is it to decorate a friggin cake when thats WHAT YOU DO for a living? I guess what really pissed me off was that I paid $28.00 for this cake (WAY too much) but they are the only bakery in our whole area that does Champagne cakes. I was promised it would be really cute..the Baker wanted to decorate it in red & black trimming (His fave colors) & I made sure to tell her CONFETTI on it too. What I got was all white frosting with CURLING RIBBON (the kind you put on gifts) thrown over the top..and 9 (yes I counted them!) silver "bee-bees" as confetti. So that was the 1st thing that made me cry.


Then I cried becuz Chris wouldnt go run around/shopping w/me for Blakes BBQ becuz Nascar Race day was on.


Then I cried becuz Chris decided he was gunna STAY AT HOME and watch nascar instead of coming to my house for Blakes Bday. We almost had our 1st fight & broke up over this one!(He did show up...so its all good between us)


Then I cried becuz I'm OLD!!

Then I cried when the Clerk at the grocery store asked me what was all the BBQ food for (wahhhhh...mah baybees 18!) Poor guy-he was like : Its ok..my Mom cried last year when I turned 18 too! (Umm..yeah thanks..)

THAT made me cry AGAIN becuz Im old....

Then I cried when my SIL & brother were being dicks & chose their Next door neighbors kids Bday party instead of Blakes (Blake is their ONLY nephew & my SIL ALWAYS finds some reason to not show up for our family stuff-guess I should be used to it..but Im not. And the kid next door is 17..so its not like hes a lil kid that wouldnt understand)

Next..came the tears when I decorated the house.

Then when I picked Blake up from his best friends house & I gave him a hug & kiss & said Happy Birthday...

Then when he saw the decorations...and when we cut the cake....and when he saw his gift (A fully loaded Dell Laptop-he was so surprised!)

Then the really sad tears came when I took a pic with Blake & REALIZED how friggin HUGE I have gotten over the last 3 weeks. Seriously. I honestly said "Who is the fat chick with Blake?!" How fucked up is that?! Ummm...helllllooooooo its M-E!!! WHEN exactly did I grow a second stomach, and 2nd & THIRD CHIN?

Even after all the tears and the fact that REALITY kicked me in the teeth...it ended up being a great Birthday. Blake had fun....he loved his Laptop (and the 50 $1.00 Bills I gave him for the Strip club) & he really lit up when he saw the decorations hanging everywhere. I LOVE THAT BOY!!


Heres a few pics:




Each "swirl" had either a Lotto ticket or cash on the end-he loved it! (the pix of the rest of the house didnt come out good)



His "Not so cute" Cake


Making a Wish...



Eddie, Blake & Vince. (Do yall remember Vince? HES WALKING WITHOUT A CANE now!!YAY! A TRUE miracle after being shot just 1 yr ago)



Me & my 6'3" baby (Thank god for cropping--yall can only see how fat my FACE is) And yessss..thats a huge nasty hickey from ONE of his lil girlfriends hes sportin there. Ewwwwwww!

For Udenia

These are from July, but they are some of my favorite pics of me N My Honey:


DAYTONA International Speedway

At Cracker Barrel in Orlando

Time To Catch Up....

Where do I start?? I've been so crazy-busy..I swear sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going--it's all one big blur!!

First things first--
TODAY MY BABY IS 18!!!!
(That right there deserves its OWN Post....which will be after this one :)

Heres the scoop on everything else:

Valentines Day #1: THANKS EVERYONE for all the comments about my Val day plans--yall are so sweet! It ended up being a really nice evening, but not exactly as planned :(
The good part was that Chris LOVED the massage! He was raving about it all night....Its so much fun when someone REALLY enjoys a gift ya know? My massage--it was OK. Not good. Not bad. The girl wasnt very confident in her strokes or touch & it made it hard for me to relax, (I hafta admit--when it comes to Massage...I'm definately a "Massage Snob". After 1.5 YEARS of Massage Therapy School I think it just happens.) I did get pissed off though becuz we did NOT get the snacks/treats that were part of the package, the Therapists were 10 min late (we were on a super-tight time schedule already) & they over charged me. It was only $5.00....and I didnt say anything becuz Chris was standing right next to me .(Didnt wanna make a scene when it was a "gift" ya know?) I still havent called the Owner--but I think I might. I dont mind spending $$, but I hate when I dont get what I pay for....
Right before dinner Chris surprized me with a VS purse, filled with a big bottle of my fave perfume & lotion--hes a sweetheart.
Dinner was yummy.
Didnt take ANY pix :(
Have you ever realized that when you put on a certain outfit, its not really how you LOOK IN IT that is important...its how you FEEL YOU LOOK IN IT that matters?? When I put on my cute dress & sexy shoes...I didnt FEEL hot in it. I actually felt VERY uncomfortable & awkward. I really wish I would have just wore jeans,my high heel boots and a cute sweater or top--thats what I feel sexy in :) (So...thats why I didnt take any pix)

Valentines Day #2: The "Other Man" in my life (BLAKE!) surprized me with a dozen red roses at work. :) I love that boy to death. Even after all the shit he has put me thru over the last few years--I KNOW I did something right becuz HE LOVES HIS MOMMA!! :)
That night Chris made me dinner, we snuggled on the couch watchin the NASCAR Race. It was PERFECT! We both laughed about how much more fun it was then gettin dressed up & goin out the night before. (Damn...I must be gettin old!)

On the Fitness Front: Nothing good to comment on. Struggling. Missed workouts. Eating crappy. Trying to Get My Shit Together. Its still really hard after being so completely disciplined for a year....Im kinda goin in circles. Its all about my mind right now--its just not in it....and when your minds not there-NOTHING you do will be effective.

Im workin on it though. I've been going thru boxes, pulling out old issues of Muscle Media (I Miss that magazine), pulling out old BFL Journals and I MUST get back into THE SECRET!!
Its all about gettin the mindset back!!

WHERE THE MIND GOES.....THE BODY WILL FOLLOW!!!

Sorry...Im so scattered thruout this post...thats just how my mind has been lately. Theres so many things I want to write about but Im kinda "foggy" right now...I'll be back! Later Gator!

Its VALENTINES DAY! (Well...kinda)

I know that tomarrow is the "official" day, but since we couldnt get reservations at our "1st Date" Restaraunt for the 14th, Chris & I decided to celebrate TODAY instead!

I'm pretty excited & it's just what I needed to bring me out of my funk. :)

So heres the plan:

I'm surprizing Chris this afternoon--I booked a Couples Massage for us at this adorable lil Day Spa here in Old Downtown. Its such a beautiful, cozy place...Its an old Victorian home that has been completly remodeled into a spa. They are gunna spoil us with Chocolates, cheese, crackers , wine and desserts for 1/2 an hour before our Massages. Niiiiice!!!!! Im sooo ready for a massage! Chris has never had one so I hope hes pleasantly surprised. Hes so cute-all I would tell him is : "When you get home..Take a shower & be ready to go somewhere by 3:30" So..hes CONVINCED that I've scheduled him a mani/pedi appt...and hes all nervous about it! hehehe

After the massage, hes taking me to the Buckhorn for dinner. We havent been back there since our First Date...awhhh...its gunna be so Romantic! (I hope! hehe) Actually, ANYWHERE we go together is romantic. :)

Yesterday he took me shopping & bought me a really cute dress & I found some hot sexy high heels to go with it. I NEVER wear dresses, but....Im Gunna do my best to look HOTT for my Baby tonight! (Hes so used to seein me in sweats, jeans & boots...hes not gunna know who I am.)
Hmmm....sounds like a lil ROLE PLAYIN is in order!! TMI TMI I know!

Thank you!

Thank you Everyone for all the Hugs & love during the last couple of days. It means soooo much to me! I love yall...Dont know what I would do if I didnt have all of my "BFL-Sisters". Yall are the BEST!!

I Miss My Sister

I miss her everyday...but then theres times like right now that it hits me sooooo damn hard, I almost cant handle it.

In a perfect world, she would be HERE with me , planning Blakes 18th Bday (she ADORED her Nephew!)...but instead-I spend time polishing her Headstone. Its sooo fuckin WRONG.

Murder changes EVERYTHING.........

Sorry I havent updated....

I've been too busy doing f*ckin PUSHUPS!!!! LOL

"Negative Nancy" has Left the Building!!

Thats it--I'm DONE with being such a "Negative Nancy" all the time!

Not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime over the last..,oh...9 or 10 months..it did. I have become the type of person I cant stand. Negative, whiney, jealous,withdrawn, mean and bitter...& never even really realized it. WTF?! (Well...I KINDA realized it.....But didnt realize how MUCH I did it until last night.)

So...in my efforts to become a BETTER ME.....I am changing my attitude and outlook!

No more moaning, complaining or bitching when my body hurts,Im hungry, Im tired, blah blah blah....
Becuz...the bottom line is-no matter how tired, achy, etc I am--theres someone out there somewhere who would LOVE to be in my position & be surrounded with the BLESSINGS I have been given in my life!

I AM TRULY BLESSED!

MY Blessings are what I need to focus on and not anything else right now.

So...when I woke up today, I DECIDED that I could (and WOULD) ONLY BE: THANKFUL & GRATEFUL!!!

I also started a new "Challenge" with myself: Every single time I complain or say something negative, I hafta do 5 pushups.
Every single time a negative or hateful thought pops into my head...instead of giving any energy to it--I will focus on a POSITIVE "gift" in my life.

It's only been the 1st day-but I'm feeling a lil bit better and a tiny bit happier already, and I am going to bed-Giving THANKS for My LIFE, my health,my family, my friends & ALL of WONDERFUL things I have been given.

For Those of You Who Bake.....

I need help--I had this "great idea" (Have you ever noticed when something starts out as "I have a great idea"...its usually NOT a great idea! hehe)

I thought: Since I love Pumpkin Protein PANCAKES so much...they would probably make great Pumpkin Protein MUFFINS. Well...Not so much! What do I need to add to the recipe to make them more MUFFIN-Y? (I can cook..but when it comes to Baking---ughhhh....definately not my strong point.)

They actually tasted good-but I lost about 1/2 of each "muffin" becuz they stuck to the paper liners.(Guess I will hafta use Pam instead of paper next time) And...they were kinda "heavy".

I dont wanna change the recipe too much-my main goal was/is to just make the process a lil faster. (Im always so pressed for time!) Do you think a "cake" would work...or would it still be too "heavy"?

"Ummm...Thanks, but can you now SHUT-'da-HELL UP?!"

And that's puttin' it NICELY!!

I just dont get it-"THOSE PEOPLE" who feel like they ALWAYS need to say sh*t....even if it's something they know nothing about. Prime example:

Today Im MINDIN MAH OWN BUSINESS at the gym....doin my BFL UBWO, and this (really annoying b*tch) Girl just HASTA talk to me. (I guess she doesnt realize that I 'm wearin my headphones for a REASON--so dummies like her dont talk to me)

Her: Ohhhhh...your BAAAACK to doin Body For Life I see. I thought you had a TRAINERRRRR? (She kinda made this irky lil voice when she said trainerrrrrr)

Me: I did, But things changed & Im back to doin BFL now.

(Small talk went on: Blah blah blahhhhhh....)

She kept askin WHY this & WHY that (nosey lil b*tch) ...and finally I just told her:

The diet plan wasnt working for me. I tried & tried & TRIED to follow it , but the whole low carb/NO carb thing & never eating healthy complex carbs kicked my ass. I ended up gettin pretty messed up from it...

Her: Why didnt you just "Stick it out" & TELL YOUR TRAINERRRRRR?! Ya know, trainers change things like that IF YOU TELL THEM, but c'mon...theyre not mind-readers!

Thats when I LOST IT!! I ended up "pretty much" goin off on her--until I almost made her cry. (I felt KINDA bad-but damn!) Who is this b*tch to tell me that all I had to do was TELL MY TRAINER and STick it out?!?! Shit I DID tell my trainer. I confessed time & time again that I was having SERIOUS issues with my diet. I BEGGED my trainer for 4+ MONTHS to just add a YAM or some fruit, or brown rice back in to my diet & I KNEW the bingeing would stop. I told my trainer about feeling crappy.... I told my Trainer about the headaches, bitchyness, lack of sleep, lack of energy, I told & I told & I told. But, It didnt happen-- I never got that "Approval". I just kept hearing "Bingeing is NOT about food-its about the mind."

I do agree that bingeing IS about the mind...but FOR ME (who has had bingeing issues in the past) when I cut my calories too low or cut out healthy carbs for very long, It leads to a crazy-uncontrollable-almost-unconcious-type of bingeing. (as oppossed to the "Thought-out" binges I did in the past) (I knew that-but I TRIED & TRIED to "stick it out", becuz I had so much faith and respect for my Trainer.)

I guess I just got so pissed off becuz I felt like she was talking down to me, putting me down-like I was stupid for deciding to not stay w/my Trainer. She doesnt know how hard I tried to stick it out. She wasnt there for me when I was crying all the time, & super-crazy-emotional. She didnt deal with the headaches, the moodiness, the anger & frustration or the feelings of inadaquacy that came over me becuz I couldnt "stick it out". She wasnt the one that HATED lookin in the mirror and was disgusted by what I saw. Hell...she wasnt even there when I was gettin numerous blood tests done at the Dr.s Office becuz I was feeling SOOO sick all the time! Unfortunately my 2 BFF's and Chris did see all of that...(And belive it or not-they STILL love me!)

So what the hell was my point of this post anyways?? Lets see:
#1--I needed to VENT!
#2--Sometimes things just dont work out. That doesnt mean that ONE person was at fault...it just means IT DIDNT WORK OUT. Period.
#3--I don't binge when I eat healthy BALANCED meals
#4--I love love love having yams, fruit, brown rice & other BFL approved foods back in my life
#5--Dont be so fast to judge someones decisions. You dont know what theyve been thru or how they got to the point their at.
#7--Just becuz something works for "A, B, & C" it doesnt mean itll work for "D" too! Theres lots of plans, programs & trainers becuz different things work for different people AT DIFFERENT TIMES!
#6--the old "bitch-dana" is on her way baaaack!! (Ive kinda missed her!)

Happy Happy Joy Joy.....

I can't believe it-but today I actually woke up HAPPY & NOT feeling completely exhausted! Dayummm..I'd almost forgetten how great it feels.

Honestly...I think the fact of finalizing my "Big Decision" yesterday has alot to do with it. I feel like such a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and now I can have some closure & look and move forward.

I cant say THANK YOU enough for all the wonderful comments --I had no idea that I had more than 3 readers--so the comments were a really nice surprise! I love y'all!! And an extra special Thanks to my Girls(yall know who you are!) who have been puttin up with me and all this shit for the last 6 months-Im not sure HOW yall did it-but I really love you for stickin it out with me!!

Even though the weather completely SUX --I had a really nice day today. Started off w/ Chris surprising me this morning with a set of "PERFECT PUSHUPS"! Ya know..the ones they sell on TV that look like grips/handles and they rotate as you do pushups? I have been wanting them forever! :) Dang-they are HARD though-I could only do TWO full pushups with them. WTF?! (I can easily do 15 reg full pushups on the floor) Theyre super cool!

Then...we took a spur-of-the-moment trip to the Jelly Belly Factory. I havent been there since Blake was in 1st grade & we had a field trip there...but its a fun place to check out. Plus....its TOM so I was really wantin some candy! We went on the lil tour they had, bought some(LOTS!) jelly bellys (for MY jelly-belly! hehehe) & a few pieces of homemade Chocolate candy. MMMMMMM-mmmmmmm!!
The candy was pretty good-but the best part of it?? Was that I was able to go and NOT, I repeat NOTTTTTT feel guilty! YEAH ME!(Don't worry-Im definately NOT making candy & crap like that a regular part of my food plan.)

Wrapped up the evening on a "double-date" (Me N chris & Blake N Hayley (his adorable girlfriend) at our favorite lil hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaraunt. They serve authentic Mexico-style food...NOT fried...all homemade & pretty healthy. I had a really good time--its still kinda weird goin on a double-date w/ my son & his GF though, but I'm adjusting to it & truly enjoy spending time all together.

Thanks again for all the support!!
I love yall!!

So...I finally did it....

I ended it with my Trainer.

Today would have been our one year "Anniversary" of working together, but instead its over. Feels kinda wierd--almost like a "Break-up" ya know?

Its gunna be strange-especially after a whole year together (thats even longer than Ive been with my BF!)

But..like any type of relationship--things change. The 1st six months were the "Honeymoon " Period--ya know when EVERYTHING is so hunky-doory & Perfect?? Its all new, exciting & great. Then...then like so many relationships do....things start to change. The newness wears off. The calls arent returned as fast as they were in the beginning...ya know-all the lil' things that change as the newness fades. Plus some of the excitement was gone when I reached my 1st Goal (The cruise)..and I never really got the fire back.

Even though my life COMPLETELY changed after those first 6 months (I started working full time, Blakes school schedule changed, and I met Chris) I tried my best to keep up with the 2 & 3-a day workouts and eating 100% clean but DAYUMMMMMM. ALL it really created for me was guilt.
Guilt when I didnt have 4-5 HOURS a day to myself anymore to workout.
Guilt when I would hafta cut a workout short becuz I was gunna be late to work.
Guilt that I was using time for the gym when I could be spending it w/My son & my dogs.
Guilt that I was wasting my Trainers time by not following the Program 100%.
Guilt about food.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Honestly....I feel like I TRIED. And He tried. But sometimes, Like I said -things change.
My life has changed--
My goals have changed--
and to be perfectly honest--I DONT want to spend the rest of my life Eating ONLY oatmeal, asparagus, broccoli & green beans as my sources of carbs.
(No matter how great it might make me look-FOR ME...its not realistic to live ALL YEAR long like that.)

Im gunna miss him...and Ill be forever grateful for EVERYTHING I've learned over the past year.....